Monday, January 28, 2008

What Did You Say?

I wanted to share a few euphemisms and/or phrases that I've said or heard before. By no means is this an exhaustive list.


In reference to the less brilliant in the world:
  • A couple fries short of a Happy Meal.
  • Not the brightest bulb in the candelabra.
  • Dumber than a burnt stump.
  • Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

A couple of good exclamations:

  • Well dip me in drawn butter!
  • Shit fire and save matches!

For the screaming or incessantly whiny child:

  • Waiter, please bring that kid a big bowl of shut the hell up.

Can be used in the kitchen or in most pawn shops:

  • That's hotter than a sheriff's 45!

For the big shot in your life:

  • You think you're hot snot on a silver platter, but you're just a cold booger on a paper plate!

Instead of saying, "Excuse me... what... or pardon me?" say:

  • "Your what hurts?"

A response for a well wisher after a sneeze:

  • salutation..."Gesundheit" reply... "Comes out loose"

For the perpetually lost:

  • Couldn't find your way out of a paper bag.

Please feel free to share any others that come to mind.

39 comments:

Jeni said...

Reading that almost makes me wish my ex-husband had e-mail - I'd send it to him and let him add in some of his gems - like "Hornier than a 3-peckered billy goat" or "Slicker than snot on a doorknob" among a lot of others he frequently employs in his very colorful vocabulary.

Here's one for you - to be used in exasperation or to tell some one to bug off "Piss up a rope!"

Loved this post though, Jeff. Brought a lot of chuckles to me.

Leighann said...

"your what hurts"

hehe I say that all the time!

Here's my contribution!

Dumber than a box of hair
One sandwich short of a picnic

Jules~ said...

Why is it that I alwsys have stuff going thru my head...until someone asks for me to share what it is? I am so drawing a blank!
Okay...this one isn't for sarcasm but instead is a sweet and dear phrase when seeing something cute. My dear grandmother used to say all the time, "Why, isn't that just cuter than a speckled pup under a red wagon."

Matt-Man said...

I used to work with guy who couldn't sell a damn thing. Which was his job. I used to say,

"He couldn't sell 20-20 vision to a blind man."

Not my best work, but eh. Cheers Jeff!!

Jeff B said...

Jeni- the chuckles have just been returned to me, thanks.

Leighann- Don't you love the blank stares you get when you say "your what hurts"?

Loved yours as well.

Jules- That sounds so much like a weet little grandmother would say.

Jeff B said...

Matt- I can see where that would be a good line!

Jules- that's sweet...oops

Dana said...

My favorite exclamation?

Cheese and Rice!

Of course that's only when I'm able to stop the "f" bomb from exploding!

david mcmahon said...

This was the perfect start to my day, Jeff!!

You'd enjoy the Aussie colloquialisms too. Many similarities. Must list them for you!

Glad you liked the `Ultimate Santa' post! Yep, the ability to laugh at ourselves is VERY healthy.

The Teamster said...

i have a side note of an earlier posting. we thought of you in the parking lot of church yesterday as I'm yelling at the radio that neil young is a fucking asshole for not playing my favorite song at a recent concert. your whole story about the "way to church" came to life. then after church as katherine tenderly flips me off before we even leave the parking lot...the story comes alive yet once again.

katherine. said...

yes Jeff...we did feel the conviction of your words....laughing...


my favorite is "couple tacos short of a combo"

rolling my eyes

~Deb said...

I always crack up when I see the picture or hear someone saying, "How about a nice cup of....stfu!!!???"

It just makes me giggle.

Jeff B said...

Dana- Ha, I forgot about that one!

David- I'd love to hear some of the down under variety.

Teamster- How does one "tenderly flip another off?"

I picture Katherine ever so gently raising the bird.

Katherine- Now go to the chalk board and write, "I will not flip off the Teamster anymore" 100 times.

Jeff B said...

Deb- OK I'm sorry, but I don't get it, "stfu"??

Please explain...and feel free to apply one of the first four phrases I listed to me if necessary.

Kerri said...

When I was growing up....my best friend's mom would always say

"Tough Titty said the kitty when the milk ran dry". She would say this to us when we wanted to do something and she would let us.

Have you ever heard of that one??

Kerri said...

Correction - I mean she would say this when she WOULD NOT let us do something. Sort of like a "tough luck"
(sometimes my mind goes faster than my fingers)

Jeff B said...

Kerri- That's a new one for me. I like it!

Diva said...

Bwaaahahahahaa! Very cute. I'll have to make a mental note and use those the first chance I get....

Which shouldn't be long....

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

I hate to admit it, but I've used just about every one of these at one time or another. I love them all. Have a great day Jeff. :)

buffalodickdy said...

Nice thought for a post! Here we go: 2 beers short of a six-pack, dumber than a box of rocks, Smack my ass and call me Sally, What in the cornbread Hell?, I love kids- medium rare.., Hotter than Dutch love, hotter than the hinges of Hells' gate, Billy Bad-ass, Couldn't find your ass with both hands... Match 'em up!

the teach said...

So, Jeff, what does "dumber than a burnt stump" mean? And don't call me a burnt stump... :)

katherine. said...

I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore
I will not flip off the Teamster anymore

Psycho Mom said...

Describing my directionally impaired self: "Can't find my way out of a walk-in closet without a guide dog."

A couple others come to mind:

"Nervous as a pregnant nun"

"Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin' chairs"

"She's so ugly, she looks like she got screwed by a Grizzly bear"

"The Babe"

Jeff B said...

Diva- This has been fun. I have some new ones for my arsenal now.

Sandee- Why does that not surprise me? hehe

Buffalo- Nice! You may be as big of a smart ass as I am.

Teach- Let's just say, one would have to be pretty low on the food chain to qualify.

Katherine- Laughing hysterically!

In my defense I did say chalk board not keyboard!

Still laughing...

Mom- Yes I do remember hearing nervous as a pregnant nun several times growing up.




Continuing to laugh at Katherine!

Anndi said...

Well he's a pickle shy of a sammich!

Do the world a favour, pull your bottom lip over your head.. and swallow!

I LOVED this post.. I'll have to share these with my honey, I'm sure he'll come up with a few good ones for you!

SMOOCH

Travis said...

Now that gave me the giggles.

For the risque...Don't stick that tongue out unless you plan to use it.

My gramma's favorite exclamation was "Oh fine!" She'd use that for anything...we never knew what it was going to mean.

One of my favorites from Bill Cosby...I'll take you out boy, and it don't matter to me because I'll make another one that looks just like you.

And we were taught to say thank you and your welcome in German...Donky shorts and bite your shoe.

Roger said...

Here is one I say about myself "I feel like a struck match" haha great list Jeff!! Oh & figuring out about the hidden messages in my animated GIF's.

Mel said...

LOL

I'm too busy laughing to contribute.


Aren't I just about as worthless as tits on a boar. ROFL

Jeff B said...

Anndi- I like the pickle shy one.

This has been both entertaining and educational. Bwahahaha

Travis- Nice ones. I learned a simular phrase for German translation..donky stain..bitter shame.

Roger- All burnt and used up eh? I like it.

Mel- This has been some good silly fun.

buffalodickdy said...

I was sent back from Hell's gate to bug the living! I am the highest ranking smart ass- appointed(or doomed!) on the planet Earth...It ain't easy being me..

Latharia said...

"A few bricks shy of a full load"
"Gonna beat you like a red-headed stepchild."
...

That's all I can think of today! I'm brain dead! :D

San said...

OK, my father-in-law has a good one. He doesn't say "KISS MY A**" He says, "Kiss my rusty butt till it barks like a dog!"

Jeff B said...

Buffalo- Somebody has to fill those shoes.

Latharia- Nice additions, thank you.

San- Never heard that one before. I'm sure it stops people in their tracks when they hear it.

Hammer said...

Those are great.

I like "stepped in what?" or "dumber than a sack of hammers."

Anna said...

Laughing at loud, great post, Anna :)

Bond said...

hehehehehe

40 watt bulb in a 100 watt socket

elevator does not go all the way to the top floor

the lights are on but no one is home

hehehehehehehehe

great post...ummm Katherine, what will you not do any more?

Jeff B said...

Hammer- I like the personal touch on "dumber than a sack of hammers".

Anna- Nice to see you again. This was a fun one.

Bond- Great additions to the mix. Katherine cracked me up with that one, or should I say those.

Odat said...

lmao at "your what hurts"? I'm definitely going to use that!!
Peace

Jeff B said...

Odat- Thanks for dropping by again. Long time, but I completely understand.

"Your what hurts" always gets a good reaction.

nanc said...

butter my butt and call me muffin!