In reference to the less brilliant in the world:
- A couple fries short of a Happy Meal.
- Not the brightest bulb in the candelabra.
- Dumber than a burnt stump.
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
A couple of good exclamations:
- Well dip me in drawn butter!
- Shit fire and save matches!
For the screaming or incessantly whiny child:
- Waiter, please bring that kid a big bowl of shut the hell up.
Can be used in the kitchen or in most pawn shops:
- That's hotter than a sheriff's 45!
For the big shot in your life:
- You think you're hot snot on a silver platter, but you're just a cold booger on a paper plate!
Instead of saying, "Excuse me... what... or pardon me?" say:
- "Your what hurts?"
A response for a well wisher after a sneeze:
- salutation..."Gesundheit" reply... "Comes out loose"
For the perpetually lost:
- Couldn't find your way out of a paper bag.
Please feel free to share any others that come to mind.