Sunday, April 27, 2008

We'll Have a Gay Old Time

About twenty years ago I used to golf quite a bit. At the time I was still single and it was well before the talk of children had even entered the picture. It was a time when I had both leisure time and money left over at the end of the month. Excuse me for a moment while I reflect on those two things . . . . . ahhh, ok I'm back.

At the time a very good friend of mine and I were working together at a winery in northern California. I was working in the kitchen of the restaurant. My buddy, Tim Hayes (aka "Purple Haze") was the manager of the tasting room. For those that are unfamiliar with what a tasting room is, it's part of a winery where the public can go and sample the various wines offered, and could just as easily be called a gift shop. The idea is, if you sample the wines, you're much more likely to purchase them. It does seem to work pretty well, but then again it might have something to do with the fact that by the end of a day of wine tasting a good number of the tourist are shit faced and will buy a bottle or two or twelve whether they can taste the difference between good and bad anyway.

More stories of some of these antics another time. For now back to the one at hand.

We both worked day shifts and both enjoyed playing golf. There was a nine hole municipal course about five miles away from where we worked that was pretty moderately priced and was also very convenient for us to get to. After playing the course for over a year and spending a reasonable amount of money from month to month, we decided to check out getting a membership, figuring saving a few bucks on our green fees wasn't too bad of an idea. When we inquired about getting this however, we were told we couldn't join together, because that was reserved for married couples. We could each get a single membership if we liked though. Now the price for a couple was significantly less than it was for a single and the whole idea was we wanted to save money right?

This is where the light bulb went on over Tim's head. He looked at the pro and said, "Have you ever had a gay discrimination law suit filed against the course?"

This my friends was absolutely brilliant. The guy behind the counter just looked at him and said, "You wouldn't . . . would you? You're kidding me . . . right?"

"Just try me," was Tim's response.

Tim was joking of course, but I'm still not sure the pro was totally convinced he was. He caved on the spot and said, "Ok, you can join as a couple, but I'll have to sign you up as Mr and Mrs Hayes, and please don't tell anybody I'm doing this for you."

Ha! We didn't care if he put Martha Stewart on the registration, we had just saved about a hundred and fifty bucks apiece. Well for the next month or so we took full advantage of the unlimited golf and enjoyed playing as much as we wanted to without paying any extra. We also played together each time and didn't really think anything of it until one day when I went there by myself.

There was a young guy working behind the counter that I hadn't recalled seeing before. I went to check in and told him I was a member. He asked for the name, so I told him, "Hayes."

Looking it up on the list he found the name and politely said, "Oh hi, Mr Hayes?"

"No," I said, "I'm his wife, Mrs Hayes!" and with that I turned around and walked out of the pro shop and off to the first tee.

The poor guy's jaw darn near dropped to the ground as he watched those words spill off my lips. By the time I'd made it to the tee box I was laughing so stinking hard I could barely hit the ball. I have no idea what score I shot that day, but it was still one of the most memorable days on the course I've ever had.

Funny thing is that guy never looked at me quite the same way again, especially when I'd walk in with Tim and he'd kiss me on the cheek just to freak him out a bit.


buffalodickdy said...

Good story! I call "BC"(Before Children!) "The Buddy Days".. for all the crazy stuff you still did before parenthood!

Nicole P said...

Hey, that was pretty smart of your friend.
Great story.

Dana said...

Great story Jeff - brought a much needed smile!

CrystalChick said...

OMG, Mrs. Hayes, you have a good sense of humor and friends who know how to save some money.

Mel said...


I'm all about creative solutions!

Matt-Man said...

Ha...Nice job. Have a lovely Sunday Mrs. Hayes. Cheers!!

Jeff B said...

Buffalo- Those sere definitely the "Buddy Days" Sometimes it's a wonder that we survive them.

Nicole- We laughed about that for quite some time.

Dana- Glad it helped. I was ready for something a bit lite hearted myself.

Crystalchick- My friends and I never seem to pass up an oppertunity for a laugh.

Mel- boys will be boys.

Matt- Why thank you. Here's a big kiss on your cheek too.

Kimmie said...

Hey Jeff!
I came back to your site for your new post, and it wasn't up yet. Sad face then, but Happy face now...I am laughing so hard my sides hurt, it was certainly worth the wait! :-) You men certainly can be very ummm...creative when you need to be. Hey...anything to save a buck right?!!! I think your story was priceless! Thanks for sharing with us, Mrs. Hayes! P.S. Does that mean we get to see a little ribbon in your hair the next time you post a new avatar?
;-) (Giggle, Giggle)

leelee said...

Ha jeff..I loved that story. Way to be creative..


Anonymous said...

OMG, when I think of all the stories you could write about the things you and Tim did together . . . some I knew about, some I don't even want to know about . . . He was a pretty funny guy, alright, and the two of you were a matched pair. Funny story, Jeff.


Jeff B said...

Kimmie- I don't know if I want to do that with my next avatar pic, it might get Matt-Man all worked up!

Leelee- It was a flash of brilliance for sure.

Mom- You're right, there are stories that a mom soesn't need to hear! Can you imagine getting Tim, Randy, Matt-Man and I all in one room together? Total anarchy could insue.

david mcmahon said...

VERY clever. Thank goodnes you're not Hayes-ey on the details!

Gene Bach said...

I remember those years. I always thought the red dress made your butt look fat. Of course it did offset your pin-head.

Akelamalu said...

Oh that was naughty! But I love it!

Rhea said...

Jeff, that's hilarious! You see stories like this in the movies or read about them in books, but I've never "met" anyone who pulled this off in real life. I LOVE it.

You guys are awesome. What a great sense of humor and a good way to save some money!

Jay said...

That's bloody brilliant! And it's something you wouldn't get away with here in Arkansas. The pro would have just laughed and said "yeah, right!" LOL

Travis said...

Improvise, overcome, and adapt I say! Well done!

Lady in red said...

very funny story just what I needed

Jeff B said...

David- Ba dump! Nice one.

Gene- I knew I should have stuck to blue.

Akelamalu- A bit naughty for sure, but boy was it fun.

Rhea- We had very few limitations to what we'd pull for a laugh. Good times.

Jay- What if I changed it to, "This is my brother and we're married?"

Travis- Bingo!

LiR- Hope you're feeling better. Glad to provide a chuckle.

nitebyrd said...

Jeff, you devil! What a great story. LOL

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Bwahahahahahaha. I can see you doing this too. What a hoot. Have a great evening. :)

Anndi said...

*gigglesnort* A smartass after my own heart!!!

Sandi McBride said...

I don't know Jeff, you sort of told that story too easily and took too long in the memory of before children and marriage...but I'd have to meet Mr. Purple Haze to see if he was worth it...

Jeff B said...

Nitebyrd- Ah come on, here I was thinking I was a perfect little angel too.

Sandee- This was but one of the many things Tim and I did to stir up the pot.

Anndi- Better to be a smart ass than a dumb ass I always say.

Sandi- To know him is to love him, but I'd have to say Lisa is a much better kisser! hehehe

Giggle! said...

*GiGGLeS* xx

Ron said...

Oh My God....haven't you ever heard of..."Don't KISS and tell?"

But I'm so glad you did.

Damn...I wish I'd of been a fly on the wall to see that!

FABULOUS story, buddy!!

Odat said...

So that was you sashaying on the course......nice swing!

Bond said...



Marilyn said...

It wasn't just the money... you made a stand for gay rights. Except no way should they have made one of you be the Mrs. You should have both been alowed to be Mr.s... I mean, unless you wanted to be the Mrs. You'd look cute in one of those golf skirts.

jennifer said...

And they golfed Happily Ever After!

I would do it to save a buck too. 'Cept the pro would probably LIKE the idea of two chicks joining... the golf club. What?


CrazyCath said...

Sorry I haven't been over in a while. My loss! What a giggle. Well done. Love your stories. :oD

San said...

This is a funny story, and the timing is good for me, since we just rented "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry." A so-so movie. I enjoyed your post more!

Hammer said...

Hahaha! Brilliant. So I guess Tim had to carry your clubs ;)

Jeff B said...

Giggles- thanks for droping in.

Ron- I never learned that principle. You would have enjoyed the pusseled look on the guys face. I sure did.

Odat- It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing.

Shoo-whop Shoo-whop Shoo-whop Yeahhh!

Bond- Silly is as silly does.

Marilyn- Except when I'd bend over to put the tee in the ground i'm affraid the view wouldn't be so peasent.

Crazycath- No worries, nice to see you again.

San- That movies looked a bit weak from the previews. I'll asume it lived up to my meager expectations?

Hammer- He did, but I never let him hold my putter!

Jahooni said...

funny. i shall never look at your face the same either! ;)~

Desert Songbird said...

I'm with Bond - that was simply brilliant.


Roger said...

What a way to save on green fees hahaha But Jeff did you drive from red tees?????

Jeff B said...

Jahooni- Sorry that I've scarred you for life.

Songbird- The guy is a madman. One of the things I love about him.

Roger- I should have thought of that. It definitely would have improved my handicap.

katherine. said... are we all gonna start calling you "miz hayes"??

maybe its time to take your boys for a bit of golf?

Jo said...

Well Mrs Hayes, you are a riot. I can just picture the look on that poor guys face. lol

You are so bad.