Now if this latest news of the apocalypse comes as a surprise to you don't feel too bad about being uninformed. I too didn't know of our impending doom until yesterday when I turned on my computer and there right before my very eyes was a story on the AOL sponsored news site telling me about it. Of course I knew it had to be true, because after all it was on the Internet!
Speaking of the net, let us all pause for a moment of silent praise to the distinguished Nobel Prize winner Global Warming Gore. (.............................) Where would we be if he hadn't have invented the world wide web? Thanks Al baby, you're such a true humanitarian.
Hmmm, where was I? Oh ya, the end of time. I'm sure at this point you're wondering just how much time we all have left on this little marble we like to call Earth. Well according to the ancient Mayans, it's just under four and a half years from now. More specifically, December 21, 2012 or 12/21/12 if your a numerology freak. Hope I didn't insult Tom Cruise with that one. Oh wait, that's Scientology, damn I always get those two mixed up.
Let's take a look at that date shall we? It happens to fall on the winter solstice, which, I guess if your going to end the world isn't too bad of a day to do it. I mean come on, it's the shortest day of the year, which means it's going to get dark really early, probably be really flippin cold and none of us will have finished our Christmas shopping by then anyway. Why not cut your loses and just end it all then. It's not like you'd want the world to end during the middle of summer when it's pleasent outside and there's a chance you might get invited to another pool party.
Personally I think it's going to be the Republicans fault and here's my reasoning. Obama is likely going to win this year's election, because come on, who in their right mind is going to vote for nuke 'em all McCain. After four years of Barack's stay in office we will realize that he is just another greasy politician who has promised us the moon and the stars but has delivered to us the same load of crap about how it's not his fault that things aren't changing, it's because the House and Congress can't agree on anything. This will in turn irritate the American people so much that they will finally elect Ralph Nader to the office of Presidency in 2012. The Green Party will at long last have their victory during that November only to watch the world end a month later, thus once again seeing their candidate miss his chance at siting in the directors chair. And why you might ask will this be the Republicans fault? Come on everybody knows when crappy things happen to our country their always the ones behind it right?...I mean left!
So with my last few years here on Earth I'm going to:
- Cancel my long term health insurance.
- In the last month, use up every one of my roll-over minutes on my cell phone plan.
- In the same day sign up for a ten year contract to get that shinny new phone.
- I'm going to refinance my home with a balloon payment due in five years.
- On the last day I'm going to run around the house with a sharp pair of scissors just to see what happens.
What will you be doing?