Monday, July 7, 2008

The Sky Is Falling Chicken Little

If you haven't already heard, then I'm truly sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but the end of civilization as we know it is just around the corner. Hate to blurt it out like that, but there really isn't any good way to say your life expectancy is going to be shorter than my willie after seeing a porn flick starring Rosie O'Donnell and Mr Bean.

Now if this latest news of the apocalypse comes as a surprise to you don't feel too bad about being uninformed. I too didn't know of our impending doom until yesterday when I turned on my computer and there right before my very eyes was a story on the AOL sponsored news site telling me about it. Of course I knew it had to be true, because after all it was on the Internet!

Speaking of the net, let us all pause for a moment of silent praise to the distinguished Nobel Prize winner Global Warming Gore. (.............................) Where would we be if he hadn't have invented the world wide web? Thanks Al baby, you're such a true humanitarian.

Hmmm, where was I? Oh ya, the end of time. I'm sure at this point you're wondering just how much time we all have left on this little marble we like to call Earth. Well according to the ancient Mayans, it's just under four and a half years from now. More specifically, December 21, 2012 or 12/21/12 if your a numerology freak. Hope I didn't insult Tom Cruise with that one. Oh wait, that's Scientology, damn I always get those two mixed up.

Let's take a look at that date shall we? It happens to fall on the winter solstice, which, I guess if your going to end the world isn't too bad of a day to do it. I mean come on, it's the shortest day of the year, which means it's going to get dark really early, probably be really flippin cold and none of us will have finished our Christmas shopping by then anyway. Why not cut your loses and just end it all then. It's not like you'd want the world to end during the middle of summer when it's pleasent outside and there's a chance you might get invited to another pool party.

Personally I think it's going to be the Republicans fault and here's my reasoning. Obama is likely going to win this year's election, because come on, who in their right mind is going to vote for nuke 'em all McCain. After four years of Barack's stay in office we will realize that he is just another greasy politician who has promised us the moon and the stars but has delivered to us the same load of crap about how it's not his fault that things aren't changing, it's because the House and Congress can't agree on anything. This will in turn irritate the American people so much that they will finally elect Ralph Nader to the office of Presidency in 2012. The Green Party will at long last have their victory during that November only to watch the world end a month later, thus once again seeing their candidate miss his chance at siting in the directors chair. And why you might ask will this be the Republicans fault? Come on everybody knows when crappy things happen to our country their always the ones behind it right?...I mean left!

So with my last few years here on Earth I'm going to:
  1. Cancel my long term health insurance.
  2. In the last month, use up every one of my roll-over minutes on my cell phone plan.
  3. In the same day sign up for a ten year contract to get that shinny new phone.
  4. I'm going to refinance my home with a balloon payment due in five years.
  5. On the last day I'm going to run around the house with a sharp pair of scissors just to see what happens.

What will you be doing?


Travis said...

Do you suppose there is any money to be made in predicting that in the year such and such, we'll all settle down and live happily every after?


That must be why it's always about the end of the world.

Jeff B said...

Travis- let it start with us. We'll be the first two in the Happily Ever After Cult.

Matt-Man said...

I'll do the same thing I always do...Drink Bagwine. Cheers to you Jeffradamus!!

Jay said...

I will finish paying off my student loans in October of 2012, so the world ending in December sounds about right. My typical crappy luck. ;-)

Jeff B said...

Matt- That has a nice ring to it, now send me twenty bucks so you can be one of the chosen ones.

Jay- "Gloom, despare and agony on me...If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all..."

Rhea said...

I'm gonna rip the tags off my mattress. The ones that say DO NOT REMOVE. hehe

Your metaphor in the first paragraph, about your willie, was one of the most hilarious ones I've ever read. You have one creative (and scary) mind.

And, I didn't know about the world ending. Thanks for the update. I'll mark it on my calendar, I guess.

Jeff B said...

Rhea- Forgot about the tag removal. Gonna put it on my list.

Dana said...

I'll just be sitting here reading your play-by-play Jeff!

buffalodickdy said...

Pop Viagra like they were Reeses Pieces, and see if I can finally get that 4 hr. erection they're always warning us about...

Mel said...

<--already cut the flipping tags off pillows, mattresses, etc...

<--already runs with scissors and colours outside the lines....

This should surprise absolutely no one...

End of the world?
Oy brother.

I'll send the twenty bucks to join the 'happily ever after' club, thanksmuchly.

~Deb said...

Check this video out! If this isn't the sign that the earth is doing some freaky things-----I don't know what is. They say that when birds fly erratically, that the earth's unstable or something is about to give. Just a thought since we're talking about the end times here.

Some actually say that Obama is the 'evil one' who will be the ruler of the world (in Revelations) that will provide everybody with a number chip in their hands to purchase anything...which will be the number of the beast. Hrmmm. Or will it be Naderr to do it? ha!

Anyway, the last month of my stay on earth ------ I would love to not pay my rent for once. :)

It's the little things yanno?

Nicole P said...

My step-daughter gave me a big speach about her church teaching that Obama is the anti-Christ....
Oh joy....what do you say to a 12 year old about that one?

What will I be doing on the last day?
Same as any other day I am sure.

Jules~ said...

I'm for the Happily Ever After Cult.

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Bwahahahahahaha. Let me work on my plan. You crack me up. If you're going to do all this you just better hope those Myans are right. Just saying.

Porn flick starring Rosie O'Donnell and Mr. Bean. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Have a great day. :)

Akelamalu said...

You have me worried now!

Don't you think it's a bit dangerous to be running round the house with a pair of scissors? :(

Bond said...

I am going to eat Lobster and Crab and Shrimp all day...

Why? Because I am allergic and I might as well die indulging in something I love...

See this is my same plan if I ever am going to be executed...I order that for my last meal, go into shock and die and take away their fun!

CrazyCath said...

Hmmm. I'll probably stay in bed. ;0)

Deb and Nicole's comments are worrying - labelling actual people as anti Christs?
That's dangerous.... :0)

Raven said...

I've only got until 2012? That sucks... One of my favorite cartoons ever in the world appeared in the New Yorker Magazine probably back in the 60s sometime. The picture is of a house surrounded by tanks, airplanes and military personnel and the caption reads: "We hear you tore the tag off your mattress..."

the teach said...

I'll be laughing at that post by Jeff I read a while ago and thinking "Gee he really hit the nail on the head." LOL! Good goin', Jeff. Very funny! :)

CrystalChick said...

Ah Jeff, you'de be surprised how many people are considering giving McBush their vote. And some I know who LOVED Hillary and many other Dems but just don't like Obama so they might not vote or may vote McC just because they don't like the that other guy. Now they say it has nothing to do with him being black, but I'll bet ya they got that silly email about him not wanting to recite the pledge and living life as a Muslim, etc. So as you said, it was on the internet, it must be true.
Arrrrggggghhhhhh. LOL

I can't say Nadar is it, but we soooo need a good third party!! I'm starting to vote Independent for local elections and looking into the Libertarians.

Okay, so the 2012 thing I've heard of lots and lots of times, but because I know astrology and understand that it has to do with planets in aspect to the Galactic Center. Also Pluto in astrology signifies death, but not necessarily physical death but death of an old situation that is no longer necessary. An old thought pattern that has to change maybe, so it's a shifting of consciousness or a psychological change that will hopefully happen with people. Well, it has to, really.
There's a great book that I so have to finish reading and your posts reference to 2012 made me think of it.
2012 The Return of Quetzlcoatl.
OH my....
your really funny post I have just gotten all serious about. Sorry.
Just thinking out loud and using your comment box to do it I guess. LOL

If the world really does end, I want it to be while I'm sitting in a vat of melted dark chocolate. ;)

Anndi said...

I'm going to skip around the neighborhood naked.. no wait, that was this weekend's plans.

nitebyrd said...

I will find the sexist guy I can, boink his brains out and then eat 2 pints of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia.

Rosie O'Donnell and Mr. Bean in a porn video. You need to be smacked for putting THAT image in my head. Dear Gods!

Jeff B said...

Dana- I'll keep writing then.

Buffalo- Be careful, you might put somebodies eye out with that thing.

Mel- Check's in the mail right?

Deb- Cool video. The look like starlings to me. When I lived in northern Calif. flocks/swarms of them would come in after the wine grapes had been harvested and they would eat what had fallen on the gound. They are amazing to watch in person. It's like an ballet in the air.

Nicole P- I'd tell her to be careful aobut the information she is getting. Seems like the same things have been said about many throughout history. So far none of those have come true so I wouldn't get too worked up over the latest rumors either.

On the flip side, if he is the anti christ then I say lets get the show on the road so I can get to heaven and avoid paying taxes for the next umpteen years.

Jules- I see my following for the HEAC is growing. Don't worry, I won't be serving any koolaid.

Sandee- Like I said before, its on the net so it has to be true. Just like that email I got the other day telling me I'd won the lottery in some obscure country.

Jeff B said...

Akelamalu- Only if I don't have any clothes on at the time.

Bond- Would that make you a kill joy or a joy kill?

Crazycath- I think they we both mentioning what others have suggested, not what they personally believe. You're right though, lables are very damaging.

Raven- Sorry to rain on your parade like that. I like that cartoon too.

Teach- Just remember, you heard it hear first.

Crystalchick- The whole astrology bit never has caught hold with me. My limited knowelge of it seems too ambiguous to me.

Pluto was once considered a planet, but now is thought to be an astoroid. I wonder, how does that play into the astrology readings? Have things in that line of thinking shifted as a result or is that considered pat of the total picture? Curious

Now the vat of melted chocolate. that I could do!

Anndi- Please shoot me an email in four years and five months reminding me of your plan. I want to make sure I have enough time to make it to Canada to witness that first hand!

Nitebyrd- I think it's safe to say, you'll be going out with a smile on your face.

Odat said...

oh...the possibilities......(which I'll keep to myself right now!)

(P.S. tell Buffalo not to watch that Rosie/Mr.Bean film while he's taking his viagra!!!)


CrystalChick said...

Jeff, it's reallllllly hard to give much astro information in a comment, but to try and respond in less than 75 paragraphs. LOL
I don't live my daily life by astrology. I'm aware of certain things, the Moon is quite interesting most of the time, other areas too but I don't wake up and say, oh gee, Mars is squaring Pluto today I can't go out. LOL I live my life as I live it, but with some added awareness. I've studied it long enough to know it has value and I am amazed sometimes at how interesting charts are to read. And it's explained alot to me in a few different areas. It's a tool, to understand others, to understand oneself. Some people use psychology, some religion, or some other path to the higher self. And others don't feel the need to use any particular system. No one is wrong or right, it's just how each person chooses to walk their path. Sometimes I find that religious institutions are against it and I feel that's probably just because of the control factor. Some, not all, church leaders like to have the say in the way their laws, books, bibles, are interpreted and tell their members what to think and why and people follow without investigating or questioning. Sometimes the dogmas are very oppressive.
(I'd be interested to know how many awesome astro texts are being stored at the Vatican!!)
So maybe there is controversy with subjects like astro because it's a way to explore things for oneself and if one thing isn't working, another avenue could be explored. It's not fatalistic. It's not follow this way or you are going to hell. But again, I'm not saying all groups feel that way at all, but those who trash it either don't know anything about it, have never studied it, have been told it's bad, or just never found the information to speak to them. To each his own.

For the most part, those who have seriously studied it understand what it can and cannot do but as with any field there are some who are very professional and others out to make a quick buck. You know, the 1-800 dial a psychic gives the art and science of astrology a bad name. I say 'art' because interpreting what the symbols in a birth chart mean can vary from reader to reader and 'science' because initially astronomy and astrology were one and all the placements in a chart are set up using specific mathmatical calculations.

Different astrologers use different points in the heavens for interpretation. Some rely heavily on the mythological information, others use asteroids, some only closer planets, the sun and moon, etc. There are alot of forms of astrology, from natal, to medical, to financial and those who specialize can be spot on accurate, and also expensive depending on skill.
And it is a field there are different levels of certification in.

Regarding Pluto. Yeah, it was demoted astronomically. But not in astrology. It's meaning has to do with it's time of discovery, 1930, time of the Depression. So it has to do with great wealth and poverty and when you are not paying attention to the direction you are moving. So Pluto in astrology deals with bringing things to the surface that need to be eliminated so you can develop more.
It also deals with power, as a powerful god of the underworld in mythology and during it's discovery not only were gangsters a big part of society but also it was Hitler's time. Both signfiying thirst for power and making bad decisions causing harm and death.
In a personal chart, Pluto is read as where one exerts their power, where things need to change to allow growth, the ending of situations no longer necessary, and other things.
So it's full of symbology, universal themes, concepts of philosophy, archetypal themes, like the warrior, the mother, the lover, the father, the creator, the worker, the friend. ETC.


Ron said...

It's funny, Jeff...cause I've heard this said at various times about the world coming to an end.

Oy Vey!

I honestly don't want to know...I thinks it's so much better being SURPRISED!

Caught off guard, ya know?

Anyway, if I did believe this...I think I would...

NOT return the DVD'S to Blockbuster...and keep them an extra night!

Aren't I nasty?

CrystalChick said...

Ron, and you'll be unkind and won't rewind either I'm guessing.

Gene Bach said...

I'll probably still be on these frigging fires!

By the way, you're still a loser.

Michelle said...

LOL! I like your list for the end of days!!

Jeff B said...

Odat- That would be the ultimate test for Viagra. If he could get it up after that, then that stuff would really work.

Crystalchick- Thank you for the response. That was one of the most level headed replies on the subject I've heard. I had an astronomy professor refute the claims of astrology because he said that when it was developed tousands of years ago, that the stars alignments were different than what they are today. This is due to the ever expanding cosmos, therby creating a shift in what astrogogers three thousand years ago saw compared with what we see today.

Now I've also herd that some devout astrologers have taken this into consideration with their readings.

The whole thing is interesting, at least when you get past the make a quick buck phonies out there.

Thanks again for taking the time to shed some more light on the subject.

Ron- and in five years when this latest dommsday prediction has passed, there will undoubtably be another to take its place.

Shhhsh...don't tell Crystalchick that you never have to rewind DVD's

Gene- You'll have all that overtime money and no world to spend it in, bummer.

Michelle- Just tring to keep myself entertained.

Roger said...

I like what Travis said lol!

jennifer said...

Don't forget to put a quarter in your mouth and use the hairdryer in the tub while you are working on #5.

You know? The national enquirere used to scare the eebie jeebies out of me when I was a kid. I was scared to death that the world was going to end on the day that they said and would watch the sky, waiting.

So. You writing for the enquirer these days?