Thursday, August 14, 2008

New Olympic Sports

Before I get to the Olympics, there's one more bit of blogging business to take care of. Yah I know, you thought I did all of that yesterday. So did I, but apparently I'm having a pre-senior moment. I completely spaced the fact that Mary, aka Crystalchick, is celebrating her first Blogiversary! On top of that, she's doing a little give away at her place, so there ya go, two great reasons to go by and say hello. Happy 1st Mary.


The past few nights, the boys and I have been taking in an hour or two of the Olympics each evening. They've never been real big on watching much in the way of sports on TV, but for some reason, the games have really caught their attention. It's been fun watching them cheer on the US teams as they go for the gold. Kind of reminded me of my youth too. Guess there's just something magical about watching the whole world come together and compete through sports instead of wars.

At one point, Lisa looked over at me while I was sitting there snickering. She immediately said, "Dear Lord, now what?" She knows when the yellow note pad is out, the pen starts flying and I've got that twinkle in my eye, that there's trouble on the way. Yep, she knows me too well.

I told her I was just thinking about how the games might look by just modifying the name of the events slightly. The following is a short list of what I came up with:

1. Pole Dancer Vaulting-
Loud music will be pumped through the PA system while exorbitantly priced drinks are served to the spectators. The one who can throw the fake breasted hussy the farthest out of the ring wins the gold.

2. Basket Case Ball-
Patients from worldwide sanitariums will be placed in a round room and be asked to put the orange striped ball into the corner.

3. Butch Volleyball-
Women's only event. Competitors will be required to abandon the typical bikini and play in jeans and a rolled-up flannel shirt. The cutsie pony tail will no longer be allowed. The only acceptable hair style will be the mullet or the flat top. Any athlete weighing in at less than 275 lbs will be automatically disqualified.

4. Men's Gymnastys-
Events to include: Burping, Farting and Ball Scratching

5. Breast Stroke-
Come on, do I need to say more?

6. Overweight Lifting-
This will be the final game of the year. From the opening ceremonies through all the other events, the participants of this table sport will eat a steady diet of doughnuts, chicken fried steak and Mountain Dew. The first one to raise to a standing position wins the gold.

7. Synchronized Spitting-
Sub categories to include: Long Distance Lugies, Lung Butter Doubles and the 10 meter Hock.

As is the custom with the games, a completely new event is added each year. For the 2010 Winter Games I propose:

8. Distracted Driving-
Competitors will be placed in an over sized SUV with three screaming children and a large dog loose in the passenger seat. They will be asked to make a trip through town while navigating the open road during the morning rush hour. All of this must be done in less than ten minutes knowing perfectly well that it would normally take fifteen to do it safely.

The athletes can try to enhance their overall score by adding the following "Degree of Difficulty" factors:

A) Unwrapping and eating a fast food combo meal
B) Dialing and talking on a cell phone
C) Reading the morning paper, a map book, or any other item other than the street signs outside of the vehicle
D) Text messaging
E) Putting on the last of the make-up

A score of more than 10 may be possible in this event by combining two or more of the difficulty factors.

Feel free to add any suggestions in the comment section.


Jay said...

haha .. There are probably a million people who would qualify for the Distracted Driving competition.

I think midget tossing should be an Olympic sport.

And pole dancing and lap dancing clearly should be Olympic sports.

Raven said...

How about a back floating event where the person who takes the longest to get across the pool wins? This could include snacking without choking.

I have love the idea of the Olympics and I love seeing the athletes be happy for winners from other nations. It's nice to see the kind of sportsmanship humans are capaable of when they want to be. I do love watching gymnastics. It just awes me.

Jeff B said...

Jay- It's always good to have a few midgets on hand. If nothing else they make great door stops.

Raven- Nice addition and I agree whole heartedly about the general good feeling toward whomever wins. I of cousre root for the home team, but when you see the dedication and determination in the athletes it's impossible not to cheer for all of them.

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

So what were you drinking when you thought all this stuff up? Bwahahahahaha. You crack me up. Off to wish Mary a happy first. Have a great day. :)

Jeff B said...

Sandee- Nothing stronger than a Dr Pepper...I swear!

Akelamalu said...

The Alternative Olympic Games - I like it!! LOL

katherine. said...

this has got to be one of the funniest things I have read...

nitebyrd said...

Not being a sports fan, I don't watch much of the Olympics but I think your events would definitely keep my attention. I'd even try out for the "basket case" team.

Starrlight said...

Ding Dang, Y'all. Britney Spears could win gold #1, 2, 5, 8!

Bond said...


Simply Brilliant!

Jeff B said...

Akelamalu- A bit more entertaining than the Special Olympics perhaps.

Katherine- Why, thank you.

Nitebyrd- Definitely made for prime time viewing.

Starlight- hehehe I think you're right!

Bond- Thanks dude

Desert Songbird said...


CrystalChick said...

Thank you VERY much!!! You're awesome to post that for me. All are welcome to join in the fun. Now if you win (and you get TWO entries for the link and picture) will you be modeling the earrings?? LOL I somehow think they will look MUCH better on your dear Lisa.

I haven't watched any of the Olympics this time. Your ideas are hysterical though and I would absolutely tune in for your version.

Thanks again Jeff. Have a great weekend!

Travis said...

I've long thought that we needed to add an element of danger to some of the events. For example:

100m chased-by-a-tiger dash. The thing that really makes this interesting is that the lane assignment for the tiger is varied from race to race, and not revealed until the racers are in the blocks. And of course the tiger is not restricted to the lane from which he starts.

Pirana Polo - Yet again we add that element of mystery, because the release and quantity of the carniverous fish added to the game would be at the whim of a randomly selected fan.

Synchronized Diving with Sharks - This is complicated by the fact that the great whites actually jump out of the water right beneath the 10m platform.

That was fun!

Jeff B said...

Songbird- Glad to help.

Crystalchick- If I win I'll model the earrings and nothing else. If that doesn't assure a loss ofr me nothing will! hehehe

Travis- That's what I'm talking about. I'd tune in to see any of those. Thanks for adding some great additions.

Rhea said...

Jeff, man, you've outdone yourself again! Fabulous new sports categories for the Olympics. I'd pay to watch some of that. My favorite is the butch volleyball (snicker) and the driving one at the end. hehe I'd EXCEL at that sport. Just give me the gold medal already. :o)

I love your wife's comment. HILARIOUS.

buffalodickdy said...

Funny! But don't give them any ideas- too darn many events included as it is!

Carol said...

I think you should apply to be on the board of the next official Olympic Games! Your categories are SO much more interesting!!

Matt-Man said...

How about if competitors are forced to eat twenty greasy, e-coli laden pork chops, drink three fifths of Wild Irish Rose and forced to run and jump in a race known as the 400m Hurls.

Volume and color of the puke, determine the winner. Good stuff Jeff. Cheers!!

Sandi McBride said...

I think I already won the "distracted driver" gold medal and bronze...different these are summer games I could watch. When you taking over?


Jeff B said...

Rhea- The comments, the eye roll, the shaking of the head...I get all those and more from Lisa on a regular basis. I like to think of them as "encouragement"!

Buffalo- Yah, they are pretty spread out as is.

Carol- Maybe I'll have to submitt my application along with these suggestions. That'd be worth seing their response letter anyway.

Matt- Does WIR fit within the "no doping" guidelines?

Sandi- Let me know if you and Rhea are ever on the road at the same time. I'll be staying home that day!

San said...

WOW! I didn't know I was so athletic, Jeff. I used to do #8 every day of the week, and with Degree of Difficulty E. Of course that would explain why I now qualify for #2. Sigh.

Give yourself your own HORSE LAUGH AWARD, man. This is brilliant!

the teach said...

Very, very clever Jeff! You had me LOL! :)

Jeff B said...

San- Glad you enjoyed them.

Teach- My work here is finished.

Mimi Lenox said...

This made me laugh out loud. It's a shame there is no real Distracted Driving Competition. I would win hands down (and off the wheel)....

Kimmie said...

Only YOU could think this stuff up!!! You are hillareous!!! Thanks for the laughs! My sides are killing me... ;-)


Jeff B said...

Mimi- That's good. Laughter is good for the soul.

Kimmie- Sometimes the silly just flows.

Marilyn said...


Does the make-up have to look right?