Before I get to the Olympics, there's one more bit of blogging business to take care of. Yah I know, you thought I did all of that yesterday. So did I, but apparently I'm having a pre-senior moment. I completely spaced the fact that Mary, aka Crystalchick, is celebrating her first Blogiversary! On top of that, she's doing a little give away at her place, so there ya go, two great reasons to go by and say hello. Happy 1st Mary.
The past few nights, the boys and I have been taking in an hour or two of the Olympics each evening. They've never been real big on watching much in the way of sports on TV, but for some reason, the games have really caught their attention. It's been fun watching them cheer on the US teams as they go for the gold. Kind of reminded me of my youth too. Guess there's just something magical about watching the whole world come together and compete through sports instead of wars.
At one point, Lisa looked over at me while I was sitting there snickering. She immediately said, "Dear Lord, now what?" She knows when the yellow note pad is out, the pen starts flying and I've got that twinkle in my eye, that there's trouble on the way. Yep, she knows me too well.
I told her I was just thinking about how the games might look by just modifying the name of the events slightly. The following is a short list of what I came up with:
1. Pole Dancer Vaulting-
Loud music will be pumped through the PA system while exorbitantly priced drinks are served to the spectators. The one who can throw the fake breasted hussy the farthest out of the ring wins the gold.
2. Basket Case Ball-
Patients from worldwide sanitariums will be placed in a round room and be asked to put the orange striped ball into the corner.
3. Butch Volleyball-
Women's only event. Competitors will be required to abandon the typical bikini and play in jeans and a rolled-up flannel shirt. The cutsie pony tail will no longer be allowed. The only acceptable hair style will be the mullet or the flat top. Any athlete weighing in at less than 275 lbs will be automatically disqualified.
4. Men's Gymnastys-
Events to include: Burping, Farting and Ball Scratching
5. Breast Stroke-
Come on, do I need to say more?
6. Overweight Lifting-
This will be the final game of the year. From the opening ceremonies through all the other events, the participants of this table sport will eat a steady diet of doughnuts, chicken fried steak and Mountain Dew. The first one to raise to a standing position wins the gold.
7. Synchronized Spitting-
Sub categories to include: Long Distance Lugies, Lung Butter Doubles and the 10 meter Hock.
As is the custom with the games, a completely new event is added each year. For the 2010 Winter Games I propose:
8. Distracted Driving-
Competitors will be placed in an over sized SUV with three screaming children and a large dog loose in the passenger seat. They will be asked to make a trip through town while navigating the open road during the morning rush hour. All of this must be done in less than ten minutes knowing perfectly well that it would normally take fifteen to do it safely.
The athletes can try to enhance their overall score by adding the following "Degree of Difficulty" factors:
A) Unwrapping and eating a fast food combo meal
B) Dialing and talking on a cell phone
C) Reading the morning paper, a map book, or any other item other than the street signs outside of the vehicle
D) Text messaging
E) Putting on the last of the make-up
A score of more than 10 may be possible in this event by combining two or more of the difficulty factors.
Feel free to add any suggestions in the comment section.