Saturday, December 12, 2009

Your Comment Story ... Finally!

Remember back in October when I was in my writing/blogging funk? I asked you all for a variety of comments that I would turn into a story. You came through with flying colors then I put all your comments on the shelf and didn't do anything with them. I went from feeling unmotivated to feeling guilty for not doing anything with them, to practically forgetting about them. Well, I sat down this morning and finally put them all together into a story. It's a bit off the wall, but then again, so were all those comments. Yaozer!

Below is a list all of the comments you left me followed by the story. Thought I'd put all the phrases/comments in a list for you to see rather than highlighting them in the story itself.

I'm not sure it was worth waiting for, but I couldn't stand to leave it as unfinished. Hope you enjoy.


I came storming into the room

What did you do after the elephant sat on your bicycle?

I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair

Blue is the sound my heart makes

He was blindfolded, but he knew that she had just slipped the diamond ring of his dreams onto his toe

The car swerved to the left and the headlights of oncoming traffic blinded Alex

Just when he thought she'd never laugh again, she looked up just in time to see him slip on a banana peel

I felt like the biggest gasbag in town

I hobbled all the way into down on my good hoof

I've not had much loving in seventeen years either

This company consolidation is dreadful

How long are we going to continue to pretend this is a training issue?

Learn to live with the decisions you make in life

$140 in fees for a free education?

Dinner was liver and onions

What the f*** was that?

And that's when the zit popped

The mad cow had struck again

Root canal or keel hauled - choose wisely

The spot on his genitals grew larger by the day

You know I wish that I had Jesse's girl

What do you MEAN it's fake?!

But of course everyone knew my brother Gene was a far greater man than I could ever hope to be

The hole was deeper than I anticipated

"Don't touch it" she screamed, "I fear it's radioactive"

One of these days Alice, straight to the moon!

Will you return or do I have to go through this all by myself?


"The Realtor 's Reality "

The mad cow had struck again and the only thing I could think of was, blue is the sound my heart makes anytime I'm forced to go into that Maleficent bovine's office.

Being called into Mr Tums inner sanctum was rarely good news, and this particular day would prove to be no exception. Don't get me wrong, the initial proposition he placed before me sounded intriguing enough, but once the details were spelled out, it became clear that I was just being used as his string puppet once again.

He informed me that he had a very important client coming into town in a couple of days. He also said he wanted me to preview a variety of homes so I could have potential sites to show upon the arrival of said client. Common sense told me otherwise, but I decided to ask with the anticipation of an excited puppy dog who this VIP was. Tums informed me that it was none other than Bling Crozbee, the latest rap singing sensation. Upon hearing this bit of information I knew I had an immediate choice to make; Root canal or keel hauled. "Choose wisely", I thought. Knowing full well that the old standard "trip to the dentist" excuse wouldn't hold water, I opted for the torture of spending one weekend out of my life with someone I thought less of than the pimples on my ass.

To say this company consolidation was dreadful would have been an understatement. A year earlier when the economy was stronger, Tums would have had at least a half dozen other agents to choose from, but now with only three of us left (one being my brother) and me being the top seller of those remaining, I was the only logical choice. When I looked him in the eye and told him I'd be happy to oblige, I felt like the biggest gasbag in town. (Well, I am a Realtor, so I guess it kind of goes with the territory.)

An hour later and I was rolling out of the office with a list of multimillion dollar properties to preview. Then, as clearly as she was standing next to me I heard the sound of my mother resounding in my head. "Learn to live with the decisions you make in life." I could hear her say. Momma, you see, wanted me to be a doctor. I, of course, had a different idea of how to make a living.

Regardless of who was ultimately right or wrong, I had a job to do and I was going to give it everything I had. That meant doing whatever was needed to bring in a sale. Today that meant I'd needed to learn not only about the homes that were available in the area, but also to learn a thing or two about my new client.

I gulped hard as I reached over to the passenger's seat and picked up a copy of Crozbee's hit CD, "RAWRRRRRR!!!!" Lord, how I hoped the songs themselves had something more to offer than that ridicules title. Unfortunately, my initial suspicion was accurate. It was filled with a dozen or so songs ( and I use that term loosely mind you) that collectively had all the the enjoyment of a bowl of cold porridge.

From the first song, "$140 In Fees For a Free Education?" to the one that propelled him to the top of the charts, "What the F*** Was That!", the CD was one disappointment after another. After twenty minutes of listening, I was convinced talent was not a prerequisite to make it in some musical circles. Another twenty minutes and I was ready to commit hari-kiri.

As quickly as I could, I hit the eject button and flung that putrid silver disc out the passenger side window as far as I could possibly manage. The classic rock station that replaced Crozbee's noise was playing a song from Rick Springfield and I soon found myself singing out loud, "You know I wish that I had Jesse's girl...ta da da da da da...Jesse's girl" Maybe not the greatest song ever written, but it certainly was a far cry better than what was previously on.

It was about this time I pulled into Marietta Heights and up to the first of the homes I thought would be suitable for my client. At just under eighty-five hundred square feet of living space, it was the smallest one on the list and I knew Crozbee would immediately discount it as being undersized, but that was part of my plan. I found when showing property, it was beneficial to show at least one place that the client wouldn't care for, thereby making the others look that much better.

I took the obligatory tour through the property, making a few notes as I went, even knowing Bling would immediately shoot it down once he saw it. A few minutes later I jumped back my Beamer and headed off toward the next property, and that's when the zit popped. "Damn!" I shouted, looking into the rear view mirror. The hole was deeper than I anticipated too. In fact, the darned thing looked like a crater on the end of my nose. I watched as a greenish-white puss oozed from the divot now prominently displayed across my schnoz remembering what my wife had said earlier that morning. With both thumbs positioned to either side of that nasty little red bump, I was just about to give it a good firm squeeze when, in most dramatic fashion, she screamed, "Don't touch it. I fear is is radioactive!" to which I could only think of Jackie Gleason and shouted back, "One of these days Alice, straight to the moon!" I was going to have to do something about this before meeting with Crozbee later in the week.

After mopping up the mess on my nose with a slightly used napkin left over from my morning trip to Starbucks, I was once again focused on the task at hand; searching for the perfect home for my client.

The second home looked to be the perfect choice. I'd seen it two years earlier when it had been for sale before. Now, after an ugly divorce between the most recent owners, it was on the market once again. This baby had all the amenities a young, self absorbed rap star like Crozbee would find irresistible, and with an asking price of just under ten million, I was sure he'd think it was a steal.

With a smile on my face, I thought about the commission I'd be getting from this sale as I opened the lock box and plucked the key from its confines. I grabbed it and slid it into the ornate lock on the front door giving the bell a ring to announce my arrival in case anybody was inside. As I opened the large mahogany door, my smile quickly faded. The most horrific smell wafted through the air and I could tell the previous night's dinner was liver and onions. "Didn't anyone realize this was not the best choice for a house that was on the market?" I muttered aloud. "Well," I thought, "A nice apple pie placed in the oven a couple hours before showing it to Bling would certainly cover up any remaining nastiness that remained. Heck, it might even make him wax nostalgic for his mommas home cooking too, making the house seem all the more attractive."

It was obvious by the generally unkempt conditions I saw while going from room to room, that the husband had somehow retained possession of the home, but certainly not the maid. I kept reassuring myself we had a couple of days before actually showing the home, and these things could be overcome easily enough. That's about the time I made it to the master bedroom. The door was sort of half closed and I could hear two people inside who were, for the lack of a better term, engaged in an extra curricular activity that I was quite sure I didn't need to witness with my own eyes. As I stood motionless on the opposite side of the door, I could hear, "I've not had much loving in seventeen years either." to which I thought, "I did not need to hear that!"

"I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair." she replied with a giggle.

"Oh brother!" I continued thinking, "What am I doing here?" A moment later I heard the young woman exclaim, "What do you MEAN it's fake?!"

Fits of laughter started to work their way through me as I stood there in morbid curiosity as to what was transpiring on the other side of the door. This was like a train wreck unfolding before my eyes ... well, my ears anyway. I couldn't stand it anymore so I came storming into the room as if I'd not heard a thing. The two of them jumped up from the oversized bed as the young woman quickly reached for the corner of the sheet to cover herself. He was not as modest though, and he stood there wearing nothing but a ridiculous looking ten gallon hat on his head and a dark red robe. Much to my dismay, the robe was not fastened in the front leaving his Johnson hanging out in full view. It was at this point that I recalled the very public divorce proceedings between he and his ex wife. The one headline that was played on every news channel and across every tabloid was a quote from his wife in which she said, "The spot on his genitals grew larger by the day!" Well, I'm here to tell you, she was absolutely right in her statement. DAMN!

Without skipping a beat he looked at me, extended his hand and said, "Howdy, you must be the realtor."

Dumbfounded, I replied, "Uh, er... Hi, Alex Snyder, pleased to meet you. Sorry to interrupt. I rang the bell, but no one..."

Cutting me off he said, "Don't worry boy, I heard ya, but as you can see I was a little busy. I figured you'd make it back here eventually." He looked at his companion and said he needed to talk business with me.

She asked, "Will you return or do I have to go through this all by myself?"

"Keep it fresh darlin', I'll be right back." he told her.

"OK sugar, you know where to find me." she replied.

We made our way out to the pool and he said, "You know, your timing could have been better."

"I'm sorry sir," I said, "but I did have an appointment."

"I know boy. I'm not upset about that. It's just that, well... that tender little thing in the other room just proposed to me."

"Really?" I responded.

He went on to tell me he was blindfolded, but knew that she had just slipped the diamond ring of his dreams onto his toe. I pretended to be touched by the sentiment, but what I really wanted to do was to put my client in his house and put a nice fat commission check in my pocket. I cared very little to hear any more of his personal doings or god forbid to see anything more of the two of their sexual escapades.

That's when he informed me that due to the newly developed circumstances the home would no longer be offered for sale. "That's just perfect," I thought. "Now what?"

By this point it was getting late and I decided to pack it in for the day. I climbed back into my Beamer and decided to head down to my favorite watering hole, "The Rusty Nail". I figured I could drown my sorrows of the day in a few libations. I thought wrong.

On the drive back down the hill I was met by hoards of cars traveling in the opposite direction as I was fumbling through some paperwork on the passenger seat. The car swerved to the left and the headlights of oncoming traffic blinded Alex. "Good Lord. " I thought, "Now I'm talking about myself in the third person. I really do need a drink!" I regained control of the car and of my composure and continued toward the Rusty Nail.

The place was full of the usual characters. From the over make-uped, over perfumed floozy sitting on the corner stool waiting for some "gentleman" to buy her a drink, to the scruffy, white haired drunk who'd obviously had more than one too many already. Wanting to avoid both of them, I pulled up a stool in the middle of the bar and ordered a JD and Coke. "And make it a double would ya." I said to the bar tender.

I picked up my cell phone and called Mr Tums to inform him of the days activities. Needless to say, he was not pleased. The funny thing was, he tried to pin the blame on me, saying with proper training, I'd have convinced the guy he didn't want to live in his house with a new wife and that he'd be better off selling it. "How long are we going to pretend this is a training issue?" I found myself saying. After a few more heated words I hung up the phone and returned to my cocktail.

No sooner had I picked up my glass than the scruffy, white haired drunk stumbled down the bar and pulled up a stool next to mine. Through glazed eyes he looked at me and with slurred speech asked, "What did you do after the elephant sat on your bicycle?"

I quickly replied, "I hobbled all the way into down on my one good hoof."

Friends, let me tell you, that was an absolutely beautiful moment. He starred at me with the most stupefied look on his face, turned and just walked away. At the same time, the floozy at the other end of the bar looked up with her sad eyes and just when he (that is, I) thought she'd never laugh again, she looked up just in time to see him slip on a banana peel. "Wow" I thought, "of all the times for the bartender to have a request for a banana daiquiri and to subsequently drop a peel on the wrong side of the bar." Well, with the way the rest of my had had gone, I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised.

Like the continuance of a bad dream, my phone rang and it was Mr Tums on the other end of the line. He informed me that he was removing me from Bling's sales team and was replacing me with my older brother Gene. I started to argue my point, but of course everyone knew my brother Gene was a far greater man than I could ever hope to be. I knew the real truth though and couldn't help but think no one deserved Bling like Gene did.


Thank you to all who contributed to the madness by leaving a comment for me to use. To say you made it a challenge would be an understatement.


quilly said...

I love that you gave my line to a drunk. It was perfect and I giggled all the way through this story! You made a better job of that tangle than I would have! Take a bow!

Mel said...

*applauding and laughing*

Indeed, sir.....well done!
And well worth the wait.

Jeff B said...

Quilly- There were time when I wasn't sure if I'd make it to the end.

Mel- It was a challenge, but a fun one to work through.

Nessa said...

I can imagine how hard that was but you did a great job. Very entertaining.

Unconscious Mutterings

buffalodick said...

Pretty darn funny! Good job!

Jeff B said...

Nessa- Glad you enjoyed.

Buffalo- When I know it's put a smile on the face of those who read it, it in turn makes me smile.

jennifer said...

"my brother Gene was a far greater man than I could ever hope to be." That line from your story cracks me up :) You did an awesome job pulling the ramdom prompts together. Wild applause!

I have to tell you, since this was from October... I have two Portrait of Words posts in my drafts. One day (after the Christmas season) I am going to publish them.

Ron said...


That was BRILLIANT!!!!

OMG...I don't know how the hell you did this????

You GO, boy!

It was so worth the wait!

I actually had to try and remember what I left you in my comment, but when I saw it, I remembered!

Great job, buddy!

Jeff B said...

Jennifer- You can thank Gene for that little gem. That was his contribution.

I no longer host the Portrait of Words challenge, but is is still going on under the guidance of Thom and Dr John.

Ron- This one kicked my butt! There were some phrases that I thought, "How on earth am I going to work that in."

Thanks for coming by for a read!

BJ Roan said...

Well, that was certainly worth the wait. My husband is asleep in the other room, or he was. He got up to find out why I was laughing so hard. He thought surely I had lost my mind, what little I have left anyway. This is outstanding stuff! Don't stay away so long next time. ;)

Dianne said...

your mind is a terrible and wonderful thing!!

Bravo :)

Akelamalu said...

Oh BRAVO Jeff! That was certainly a challenge and you definitely rose to the occasion! LOL

Jeff B said...

BJ- He probably had that befuddled look like I get from Lisa on such occasions.

Dianne- From candy canes to razor blades, I like to think of it a one big cohesive mess up there.

Akelamalu- You have no idea how happy I was to finally get the last phrase squeezed in.

Dana said...

WooHoo! I just *love* these compilations of random thoughts - you do them so very well!

Jeff B said...

Dana- Glad you made it by to see it. I vacillated between having fun with this one and pulling my hair out at times.

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Anonymous said...

I wish not acquiesce in on it. I think nice post. Particularly the title-deed attracted me to review the whole story.