Saturday, December 8, 2007

Merry Ebonic Christmas

In December 1996, the Oakland (California) Unified School District ignited a national controversy over the use of Ebonics in the classroom. There was quite the heated debated between the white and black communities and many African-Americans were mixed on the issue as well.

On one side of the argument you had people claiming that Ebonics (ebony and phonics) was and is a language derived from both ancestry and culture. They continued by insisting that it be part of the educational format so that black students who were struggling due to a language barrier would have a better chance of success in school.

On the flip side many people argued that by incorporating this 'slang' into the classroom it would actually impede these children's understanding of the English language. There were many in the black community who felt by allowing the use of Ebonics by the school system that it was 'dumbing down' their race.

I personally thought this was one of the most idiotic things I'd ever heard of. To me this was not a matter of race or even of trying to preserve a culture's roots. It was just another special interest group that felt the need to syphon more tax dollars out of the already economically challenged school system.

I had just been thinking about the classic 'Twas The Night Before Christmas' tale when the whole Ebonics bombshell dropped. What would this sound like I wondered? So out of immediate inspiration I wrote the following:

"Merry Ebonic Christmas"
Twas da night befo crismus an all tru da crib
Not no critter was stirrin' not even no pig
Da socks was dun hung from da chimney wit care
In hopes dat my Home Boy Clause soon would be dare
Da chiles was be nestled all snug in dey beds
Wit visions o chitlins dancin in dey heads
Da ole' lady in her jerry curls an me in my cap
We had just chilled out fo a long wintas nap
When out on da lawn dey rose such a clatta
I jumped to my feets to see wuz up da matta
Ova to da windo I dun flu like a flash
Bus open da shutta an trowed out da hash
Da moon on da pile a da new yellow snow
Gave da lusta dat da dog had just ben below
When what to my bloodshot eyes dun did appear
But a '76 Caddi an eight tiny deer
Wit a little ole' driver so crusty an lost
I dun knowed it mus be dat Home Boy yo Clause
Mo rapid dan eagles his deers dey dun came
An he spit out his chaw an den call dem by name
Now Leroy now Tyrone now Tisha an Ester
On Bubba on Kunta on Wilma an Lester
To da top o da poach wit yo hands on da wall
Else I bus a cap off in all a ya'll
So up to da roof does deers day dun flu
Cause dey was high on some crack an my Home Boy was too
An den wit a thud I dun heared up on top a my shanny
Laughter from deers as dat Home Boy fell onto his fanny
As I dun started to chuckle myself
Right down tru da chimney came dis big ole' fat elf
Still dressed in his orange jump suit from his head to his foot
His clothes dum did matched his face now cause a da soot
Wit a bundle a radios dun hung from his back
He look just like a thief openin dat sack
He dun had a butt ugly face an a big ole' fat belly
Dat jiggled an shook like some nasty ass jelly
Not no word he dun speaked but went straight to his work
Stole all our stuff off dat big stinkin jerk
Den he dun sticked his finger right up in his nose
An flicked out a bugger as away he done goes
He jumped in his Caddy an to da deers he dun shout
Lets get down da road befo da cops dun fine out
But I dun heared him say as he drove out a da getto
Merry Ebonic Christmas to all a ya all and to all of ya Yo!


Jules~ said...

You are so right about the whole Ebonics thing in the school system. Every wants to be heard and given center stage. It is the human way.
Great write out adaptation!

Now I am going to be awful and leave you a long story. Your story made me laugh and remind me of my heritage. In Hawaii we have our own version of how the story goes....

Wuz da nite befo' Christmas an' from hea to Wailuku,
No creetcha wuz stirrin' not even one uku.
Da Keikis wen snuggle down safe in da beds,
Big dreams of tofuti wen dance roun' da heads.
An' me wid my Primo an' Ma wid her poi,
We jus' settle down fo' one rap, - when oh Boy!
One awful big clatter come from da lanai,
I tink maybe coconuts wen fall from da sky.
I wen jump up so fas' I knock ova da chaia
I wen run to da windo to see what stay dea.
All ova da beach da kine silva moonlight
On da sand an' da sea it shinin' so bright,
I can see all da tings on da sho' plenty clea,
An' I see sumting out dea dat stay mo' plenty quea!
One tiny surfboard lyin' der on da groun'
An' eight tiny sea horses jus' swimmin' aroun'
An' one little ol surfer so lively, so quick, -
I wen tink to myself, "Ey, brah! Dat Saint Nick!"
He wuz chubby an' jolly, da kine roly poly,
An' dressed all in fur fro da chin to okole.
He had one white beard an' one little roun' belly
Dat went shake when he laugh like Tutu's guava jelly.
He wastin' no time, brah, he wen put down da sack
Dat wuz big as one mountain slung up on his back.
He got plenty good tings for all da keiki
An' he wen pile dem unda da coconut tree.
He work an' he work an' he neva pau hana
Til he put someting der fo' all da Ohana.
He wen give me one wink an' one shaka, an' - pau!
Da seahorses dey know it come time to go now!
He wen pick up da board an' he run to da ocean,
He wen harness da team an' he settem in motion.
Mo fasta dan jet planes da seahorses swum
He wen whistle an' shout an' he call 'em each one:
"Go Kimo, Go Noni! Gettum Kipo an' Lani!
Go Kona, go Pua! Geevum Kiki an' Nani"
To da cres of da wave, tru da foam an' da spray,
Dey swimmin' like crazy, dey flyin' away!

Til all I wen see on da wata out fa,
Wuz one twinkle of light like one dyin' out star.

But I hea ol Nick holla
Across da dark sea,
"Merry Christmas, da kine,
Aloha Hawai`i!"

Matt-Man said...

Holy Buh Jeebus, that is too damn funny. My eyes be waterin' n'shit. Cheers Jeff!!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Your sense of humor slays me. Bwahahahah. I thought it was stupid too. Thanks for my first morning laugh. :)

Gene Bach said...

I liked it when you wrote it...and like it now. You, on the other hand, I don't care for. (insert smiley w/tongue sticking out here). LOL!

Psycho Mom said...

Couldn't believe you had the cahones to post this! I remember when you wrote it and I thought it was SO FUNNY I couldn't wait to call and read it to my then boss's significant other. Significant Other, he with the board up his butt, wasn't amused and when I finished, there was dead silence on the other end of the phone. He then proceeded to lecture me -- at length -- about how un-pc this was and how I should be more understanding and tolerant. I believe it then that I suggested that he re-position the board and that was the last time he ever spoke to me. Oh well, his loss. I still think it's hysterical. And, Jules, LOVE your version as well!

"The Babe"

Jeff B said...

Jules- OK you now have the record for the longest comment and the most vowels used. LOL

Great version too. Thanks for sharring.

Matt- Just glad it didn't make you go shittin' water.

and I like the idea of a 'punoff'. That's a punderful idea.

Sandee- I love wielding the sword of humor.

Gene- I'm pretty sure it will be a children's book classic real soon.

Oh, and your ugly and your breath stinks. (smiling, winking and farting right back at ya!)

Mom- I was really hoping I wasn't going to piss people off with this one. I guess it can really be taken the wrong way if someone chooses to look at it that way.

katherine. said...

laughing laughing laughing....

you're related to MattMan aren't you?

Mel said...

In this household the great debate continues on words like 'coffee' and 'garage' and 'controversy'--do I even haffta mention 'tomato, potato and bath' still are a source of amusement for me?

Himself already thinks I talk a language that's not quite English.

Diesel said...

Ebonics is just a made-up language, like Esperanto or Danish.

buffalodickdy said...

My wife and I were discussing the need for the English language to come together world-wide, and to halt the fracturing of it further. We use slang too, but a core language needs to be taught in school, not dialects. This is kind of "high road" for me, but the continual lowering of standards to make everybody seem smarter or accepted is not Natures' way of making us stronger...

Odat said...

That was MoFo funny!

the teach said...

Jeff, I guess I just don't care for humor that makes fun of anybody, particularly their culture, background or ethnic group. Matt-man is extremely funny without making fun of any particular race or creed.

Jeff B said...

Katherine- Perhaps in some twisted parallel universe we are. haha

Mel- I'm sure you two have some pretty interesting discussions at the breakfast table.

Diesel- I agree, of course combining the two you mentioned would give us Desperanto. has potential.

Buffalo- Amen! This is a continuous problem we face in our schools.

dat- Why...MoThanks!

Teach- I appreciate your honest reply. Although i guess this poem can be construed as racist, that by no means is the intention here. The idioticy of teaching Ebonics as a language was my point.

In reference to Matt, he is a great humorist, but you might want to re-think your statement about creed. I think he has some pretty strong feelings about the Evangelical Christians out there.

All that being said I do thank you for expressing a view that differs from mine. May the first amendment live on.

Roger said...

Hahahaha thats priceless!!! And you are right Jeff if they did that spell check would lose there ass! Thanks for the good laugh man!!