I like mine toasted

Sometimes I wonder, “What am I going to write about today?” Such was the case today when low and behold, the mailman arrived and my quest for subject matter was over.

Now before I get to the story, perhaps I should clarify something. The person who delivers our mail isn’t a man, but rather a woman. So my first thought is that I should call her a female man, but she doesn’t strike me as being butch, so I guess that doesn’t work either. I guess I’ll have to resort to being PC and call her our letter carrier. Of course she doesn’t belong solely to my family so maybe I shouldn’t say she’s “our” letter carrier. Let’s see . . . she’s a woman who drives a US Post Office delivery vehicle and also delivers the mail to various destinations.

But, as Arlo Guthrie said in the famous “Alice’s Restaurant”, “That’s not what I came here to talk to you about." You see, the before mentioned letter delivery human brought my wife a letter that had us both in stitches.

I’ve scanned it and included it on this post for your enjoyment as well. If you have a hard time reading the print on it just click on the image and it should open in a larger format.

The first thing Lisa said was, “What am I receiving this letter from Neptune Cremation Service for?” At forty-two years of age she had a valid point and of course being the warm, soft, compassionate sole that I am, I immediately responded with, “Because your old!”

In case you’re wondering, Yes, I got the look. That piercing glare that only a married woman can truly master. This is something that I’m sure is taught in "being a wife 101."

After digging myself out of that familiar spot it was time to read this beautiful letter.

As you will notice in the upper left hand corner, by filling out the enclosed reply card she could win a pre-paid cremation. As I was fumbling for a pen for her to fill out the form, I noticed the bold print highlighting that the January 2008 winner was listed. This got me to thinking, gee, I wonder if this “prize” has an expiration date to it? (Pun intended) Did this poor guy have to die before February rolled around so he could cash in on his winnings?

I really enjoyed their bullet points under the heading, “Cremation just makes sense because”, but I thought they missed a key one. They could have included * Who doesn’t love a good BBQ?

I do love knowing that cremation is eco friendly too, although I wonder what the poor worms are supposed to eat if everybody’s getting torched.

The next thing I noticed was their motto: Simple, Economical and Dignified . . .

That’s nice, but there are soooo many other possibilities aren’t there? How about:

The other Krispy Crème.
We really cook!
We provide the last luau.
If you think it’s hot in our oven just wait . . .
The diet that really works, watch the pounds melt away!
You bring the tater salad, we’ve got the Q covered.
We provide the ultimate tanning bed.

The last paragraph on page one reads, “With everyone moving around these days, placing a loved one in a “local” cemetery may not be as functional as it used to be.” Is it just me, or does this sound like free agency in a major sporting venue?

On to page two (that has a nice ring to it too, and why are there three spellings for the word to, too, two?) “First you lock in today’s price.” But what if the Feds lower the interest rate by another quarter percent?

The last thing that got me was the small print at the bottom of the letter. It states, “Please accept our apologies if this letter has reached you at a time of serious illness or death in your family.” HELLO . . . Wouldn’t that be the best time to receive this letter? That’s like Pizza Hut putting, “Sorry if this $3.00 off coupon has reached you at dinner time.”

Personally, I don’t care what is done with my body after I’m gone. I’m going to have a brand new one and be rockin’ with the big man upstairs.