Thursday, February 21, 2008

I like mine toasted

Sometimes I wonder, “What am I going to write about today?” Such was the case today when low and behold, the mailman arrived and my quest for subject matter was over.

Now before I get to the story, perhaps I should clarify something. The person who delivers our mail isn’t a man, but rather a woman. So my first thought is that I should call her a female man, but she doesn’t strike me as being butch, so I guess that doesn’t work either. I guess I’ll have to resort to being PC and call her our letter carrier. Of course she doesn’t belong solely to my family so maybe I shouldn’t say she’s “our” letter carrier. Let’s see . . . she’s a woman who drives a US Post Office delivery vehicle and also delivers the mail to various destinations.

But, as Arlo Guthrie said in the famous “Alice’s Restaurant”, “That’s not what I came here to talk to you about." You see, the before mentioned letter delivery human brought my wife a letter that had us both in stitches.

I’ve scanned it and included it on this post for your enjoyment as well. If you have a hard time reading the print on it just click on the image and it should open in a larger format.

The first thing Lisa said was, “What am I receiving this letter from Neptune Cremation Service for?” At forty-two years of age she had a valid point and of course being the warm, soft, compassionate sole that I am, I immediately responded with, “Because your old!”

In case you’re wondering, Yes, I got the look. That piercing glare that only a married woman can truly master. This is something that I’m sure is taught in "being a wife 101."

After digging myself out of that familiar spot it was time to read this beautiful letter.

As you will notice in the upper left hand corner, by filling out the enclosed reply card she could win a pre-paid cremation. As I was fumbling for a pen for her to fill out the form, I noticed the bold print highlighting that the January 2008 winner was listed. This got me to thinking, gee, I wonder if this “prize” has an expiration date to it? (Pun intended) Did this poor guy have to die before February rolled around so he could cash in on his winnings?

I really enjoyed their bullet points under the heading, “Cremation just makes sense because”, but I thought they missed a key one. They could have included * Who doesn’t love a good BBQ?

I do love knowing that cremation is eco friendly too, although I wonder what the poor worms are supposed to eat if everybody’s getting torched.

The next thing I noticed was their motto: Simple, Economical and Dignified . . .

That’s nice, but there are soooo many other possibilities aren’t there? How about:

The other Krispy Crème.
We really cook!
We provide the last luau.
If you think it’s hot in our oven just wait . . .
The diet that really works, watch the pounds melt away!
You bring the tater salad, we’ve got the Q covered.
We provide the ultimate tanning bed.

The last paragraph on page one reads, “With everyone moving around these days, placing a loved one in a “local” cemetery may not be as functional as it used to be.” Is it just me, or does this sound like free agency in a major sporting venue?

On to page two (that has a nice ring to it too, and why are there three spellings for the word to, too, two?) “First you lock in today’s price.” But what if the Feds lower the interest rate by another quarter percent?

The last thing that got me was the small print at the bottom of the letter. It states, “Please accept our apologies if this letter has reached you at a time of serious illness or death in your family.” HELLO . . . Wouldn’t that be the best time to receive this letter? That’s like Pizza Hut putting, “Sorry if this $3.00 off coupon has reached you at dinner time.”

Personally, I don’t care what is done with my body after I’m gone. I’m going to have a brand new one and be rockin’ with the big man upstairs.


david mcmahon said...

Wonderful, Jeff,

But is your wife still on speaking terms with you?

Mel said...

I'm thinkin' the wife posted this and is trying to cover up Jeff's untimely demise.....

John-Michael said...

Isn't it nice (and fun) of Life to supply us with entertainment by the unwitting (or, sometimes, dimwitted.)

Thanks for the chuckles!

Leighann said...

That was hysterical! Now send pics of the bruises your wife left! *giggle*

Matt-Man said...

Neptune Cremation Service? Sounds like a bad Sci-Fi movie. Cheers Jeff!!

Sandi McBride said...

I'm still laughing, but you'd best check on your wife, I heard she was seen digging a large hole in the back yard...

CrystalChick said...

So then your wife HAS taken my class. The first thing we covered that semester was 'the look'. Glad to see I don't have to revise the course material, it's still working..... lol

Dana said...

"Because you are old" is NEVER the right response ... NEVER, but it looks like you may have figured that out all on your own!

Jeff B said...

David- Yeah, we're still good, but I last saw her filling out that response card with my name on it instead.

Mel- I'm still breathing. (looks over his shoulder)

John-Michael- Are you talking about the letter carrier, the cremation folk, or me? Bwahahaha

Thanks for coming by.

Leighann- You don't know how fast I can run.

Sandi- And she said she was getting ready to plant a tree. I should have known better.

Thanks for the visit.

Crystalchick- So your the instructor. You taught her well.

Dana- I now know why Valentine's Day was created.

BarnGoddess said...

lol, I enjoyed this very much.

"being a wife 101" the 'look' is the first lesson taught to us as young ladies!

nitebyrd said...

Hello, Jeff. Nice to meet you. Anyone that knows and can quote, "Alice's Restaurant" is someone I will read regularly.

As for Ron, I'm flabbergasted! Although, he does make a sweet pimp. ;)

Thank you for stopping by!

Desert Songbird said...

That last bullet point had me snickering. Talk about timing (good or bad).

suchsimplepleasures said...

i probably give my husband, on numerous occasions...daily, the look of death!!
i'm here through david...and, you totally deserved the recognition on this post!!

Jules~ said...

oh my goodness I am laughing too hard to even think of a proper comment...not that their letter was proper in any way. The only thing they didn't put in there was the special extra if you act now. Those knives that cut thru metal would be a good add on.

Real Live Lesbian said...

I'm with Matt-man. They watched too much Star Trek growing up!

Too funny!

Jeff B said...

Barngoddess- I think I need a class for men titled, "Foot in mouth removal 101"

Nitebyrd- One of my brothers did that speech in high school. As a result of his practicing I can recite most of it to this day.

Songbird- There was almost too much goofiness in this letter to choose from.

SS Pleasures- I like your husband already, but don't hold that against me please.

Jules- I like the Ginsu Knives angle. I'm sure if they'd have thrown that in we couldn't have resisted.

Jeff B said...

Real LL- It's a pretty funky name for sure. Don't know if their talking about the planet or King Neptune. If it's the latter, wasn't he the god of the sea?

Sea=water, not fire. Who knows?

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

That look is part of our genetics and there isn't a wife 101 class. Just saying. Well, I haven't received one of those letters yet, but I'm guessing that just about everyone will eventually get one. See I can laugh all over again when I do receive mine. Have a great day and weekend Jeff. :)

Jenera said...

What a funny letter! We don't get things as humurous as that in our neck of the woods-maybe no one is clever enough here in Idaho.

I'm all for cremation but do they have to make it sound so fun :o)

Ron said...

Ok, this was just to damn funny!

But the BEST part were your "other possibilities"


God, kill me.

(no pun intended)

May you rest in peace,
The Pimp

katherine. said...

*laughin' at Miz Mel*

actually they pull us girls aside when we're about 14 to teach us all "the look" don't have to actually be married to master it.

lookin' forward to dancing around with you and the big guy....

Jeff B said...

Sandee- Single, married or otherwise you all know how to give the look? Wow, we as men have no chance of escape.

Jenera- It's all fun and games until someone turns up the heat.

Ron- aka "The Pimp" You just pulled my RIP cord!

Katherine- Lisa liked mels response too.

Now I know what they were teaching you all in home ech.

Great to see you back in the sphere.

buffalodickdy said...

Widow, riding back in the funeral limo from the memorial service, holding the urn full of her husbands' ashes... Puts the window down, opens the urn and starts letting his ashes be blown away by the wind. The driver asks "What are you doing?" Widow answers; "I'm givng him the blow job he always bothering me for"...

Annie said...

You do put a fun spin on receiving the letter. And, you know, it really does make sense to lock in the price!

Roger said...

Hahaha good stuff Jeff!

Sherry said...

This is so damn funny. I'm sitting here wondering if your wife has killed you yet!

Bond said...

The plan ahead in case you lose your's approach....

Hey, it is cheap...we just roll ya into an oven.... least around the NorthEast, you still have to spend a small fortune on a casket, that they then just roast....sheesh

Jeff B said...

Buffalo- That's a hell of a way to finally get a BJ! That was a riot.

Annie- I know they meant well, but the wording was just too funny to pass up.

Roger- I can't believe I lived to tell the tale.

Sherry- I'm still here. Good thing I'm a light sleeper.

Bond- One way or the other they are going to get your money aren't they?

Anndi said...

We learn the "burn in hell you rat" look from our moms.. yup!

Have you got a food tester yet? Just sayin'...

Do ashes make good tree fertilizer?

the teach said...

Jeff, this is really funny! I haven't received anything about cremation (it kills me that they are having a contest for someone to WIN a pre-paid cremation! Ha!)but I get stuff from burial grounds all the time. Oh dear! :D

Jeff B said...

Anndi- Your mom looked way to sweet to have taught you that.

Teach- Great pun. That's a bittersweet prize to win isn't it?

Marilyn said...

That's the funniest thing I read all day.

For some reason it reminds me of the ine in Ratatooee... or however it's spelled, that cartoon about the rat chef where the kid says to the chef," oh she believed in heaven, so she was covered, afterlife-wise". I love that line.

Jeff B said...

Marilyn- My wife and I were both in the restaurant biz in a previous life. (pun intended)

Love that movie.

Good to see you again.