Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Seven Things

I was tagged by my friend Jules for the following meme about a week ago. I thought she had some interesting things to share about herself, so I decided to give it a go too. As you'll see below, the rules say to tag seven people, but I'm not big on that so I'll just leave it open to anyone who wants to pick it up and do it.

The Rules of the Tag Game:
1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Here are my seven things:

1. Growing up I always thought the rock group KISS was the epitome of cool. Loud controversial music, rebels through and through and girls by the score lining up to . . . well you know. Come on, what pre-teen age boy wasn't going to want a piece of that? Well, exactly one week before my thirteenth birthday, my older sister (six years my senior) won tickets to the concert they were playing at in Long Beach, CA. A local radio station, 94.7 KMET, was doing a a promo for the show and she won for fourth row seats! After hours and hours of begging, groveling and pleading my sister began to cave. I continued to try and win her over by offering to do any and all of her chores for the rest of her life. (I was almost there.) It wasn't until I agreed to pay for all the gas as well as for the parking and to buy her a concert tee that she finally gave in and agreed to take me. I'm pretty sure if she hadn't have been dumped by her boyfriend a couple of weeks earlier I never would have stood a chance of getting to go. As it was, she took great pride in rubbing it in his face that her kid brother got to go and he didn't! The concert rocked by the way.

2. On a dare I once ate an entire pot of habanero laden chilly beans in one sitting. There was close to a gallon in the pot when I started and there wasn't a speck of it left when I stopped. Can anybody spell MORON? Just goes to show you, with enough peer pressure and an extremely large amount of alcohol, any grown man can be transformed into a complete idiot. I will spare you the details, but it's safe to assume that the next day my bathroom was under a hazmat lock down!

3. I am deathly afraid of the ocean. Ever since I saw the movie "JAWS" I can't bring myself to even go to the beach. Putting my toes in the sand immediately starts that damn sound track with the eerie music, "Da-Dump... Da-Dump Da-Dump..." Just typing that gives me the hebe-jebe's.

4. Outside of my immediate family, and of course the doctors I've seen throughout my life, there is one thing about my physical appearance I've never shared with anyone else before. For whatever reason, be it freedom from shame or the release from a lifelong burden, I feel compelled to share this with all of you.

I could give you the medical definition for this syndrome, but for simplicity I'll just spell it out in layman's terms. I was born with, for lack of a better phrase, a third nipple. Now if that caused you to chuckle, I suppose I can understand. It's taken me a long time to come to grips with this and I guess taken out of context it would sound pretty funny. Well, if you'll indulge me, you'll see why it's much more than that.

Your natural inclination would be to assume this deformity is on my torso, but in fact it is on my left leg, just above the kneecap. Weird huh? As a result, I've never felt comfortable wearing a pair of short pants in public. I suppose I could, but the whole idea is just too embarrassing for me to even consider. I've tried for years to see if I could have it surgically removed, but for a variety of reasons, it's just not possible. Just once I'd like to be able to sit next to a pool in a pair of shorts and not feel like the whole world would be staring at me.

5. On a lighter note. When I was thirteen or fourteen years old, on the way home from school one afternoon, my friends and I decided to stop at the 7-11 store and play some pinball. This was when you could play a game for a quarter. Anybody old enough to remember those days? I think it was about my third coin that I started on a tear, racking up free games like there was no tomorrow. It seemed like I could do no wrong. Every time a ball would come down I'd send it back up through the targets hitting everything in site.

I can't recall exactly how many games I ended up earning, but it was enough that I completely lost track of time. What I do remember was that a few hours and a couple of Slurpee's later, a very unimpressed man walked through the door. It was my dad, and boy was he pissed! It was well past dinner time and I had not bothered to call and check in. My mother of course, was worried sick. I'm sure she had me pictured dead along the roadside somewhere or kidnapped by some wacko.

So there was dad, looking at me with a scowl that only a father can truly master, and he said, "Do you have any idea what %*$#ing time it is young man?" Now a smart kid would have humbly said, "No sir," but I had a ball in play and I was only a few points away from winning my umpteenth free game, so I kept playing and said something like, "Nah..." Let's just say that was the wrong answer! My dad looked like Grizzly Adams on steroids and came absolutely unglued. Without saying another word, he went to the back of the machine and ripped the power cord right out of the wall! My two friends, who for some reason had stayed for my marathon gaming exhibition, scattered. I think they might still be running to this day. As for me, I began a very, very long term of being grounded.

6. I once saw the the inside of a Mexican jail. On a trip to Tijuana two of the locals got into a scuffle with my three friends (different ones) and I that led to the police coming in and removing us. We were handcuffed and put into their patrol car. Let me tell you, that ten minute ride to the station was probably the longest drive of my life, either before that moment or since. The cops that took us, kept talking to us in Spanish, but none of us could make out what the heck they were saying. It wasn't until we got to the police station that we were able to communicate with one of the officers there. This corrupt SOB told us we were looking at some pretty significant jail time unless of course we wanted to pay a fine and avoid the whole court system. Big surprise, he could only take cash for this little transaction. Two hours later and $500 apiece, we were free to go.

7. I love to tell stories, and some of my favorite ones are fiction. So I must confess that the only fact in any of these things about me is that I did like the group KISS growing up. Outside of that, everything else was completely false. I have two older brothers and no sister. I've eaten some funky things before, but greased lightning isn't one of them. I'm like a fish when it comes to the ocean. Diving, swimming or just hanging out on the shore, I love it all. I was blessed with only two nipples, and they are both right where they're are supposed to be thankyouverymuch. I like pinball, but I was never that good at it. I've been to Tijuana but never in one of their jails.

Now you've got to admit the first six were a lot more interesting than the last one weren't they?



CrystalChick said...

LOL I think you got me.....
NO, I know you got me. I'm reading along and thinking of responses.
Oh well, here they are anyway:
Regarding KISS, I preferred Paul Stanley but these days watch the show Gene Simmons Family Jewels occasionally.
Hubby loves hot habaneros, I get reflux just looking at them.
JAWS was soooo cool. Saw it at the drive in with my Dad and was soooo scared!
Isn't a 3rd nip called a nubbin?? Chandler on Friends had one.
Never played much pinball but could rip up the points on Tetris.
My Mom almost had a high school boyfriend arrested for taking me across the Pennsylvania state line.... ooops. Grounded, uh, YEAH!
You are AWESOME at storytelling! Keep it going.

katherine. said...

you had me all the way...I was even thinking " didn't know Gene and Jeff once had a sister. I wonder what happened to her?"

I'm thinking wreck...and feeling all sad for your Mom.

Then I got to number 7.
guess what I'm thinking now....

Anonymous said...

If Katherine thinks SHE was wondering what happened to your sister?!? Good gawd, I was relieved to find out this was all bull shit because, for the life of me, I couldn't remember you having a sister. Wheeeeew, what a relief to find out I didn't misplace someone somewhere along the way! Then I read on . . . are you sure you aren't on drugs? Very funny post, Jeff.


Dianne said...

you bastard! do you have any idea how many sympathy vibes I used up getting to #7

I was thinking oh wow poor Jeff, can't go in the ocean and can't go in the pool.

came from alabama with a nipple on his knee!

remind me to call you when I need a lawyer!

Mel said...



(better that than choking the byjeepers outta ya for the story tellings!)

buffalodickdy said...

Wow- for a moment there I thought you were interesting... When it comes to me, P.T. Barnum was right...

Dana said...

Ha! And here I thought I'd finally met someone else who had spent time in a Tijuana jail (and yes, I really did, but it only cost me $50 to get out!)

Great job Jeff!! And KISS still rocks!!

Jeff B said...

Crystalchick- Sounds like a whole post in itself on the boyfriend part.

Katherine- I have a pretty good idea and I probably shouldn't use that kind of language.

Mom- That would be prenomial bull shit! No drugs, just under the influence of silly. I swear!

Dianne- Just consider it a good emotional cleansing. and I like the little diddy, I'll be humming it all day today now.

Mel- Please...loosen grip...can't breath...wheeew that's better.

Buffalo- Now that's funny!

Jeff B said...

Dana- Not that I didn't derserve it at times. $50 to get out sounds like a pretty good bargin.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Dammittohell! You got me, too!

I'm thinking, "poor Jeff with the nipple on his knee!" Of course, I would wanna see it! LOL

nitebyrd said...

You got me, totally!

Jeff, if you haven't seen the movie, "Big Fish," please do. It's SO you! LOL

I think I'll make you a "Big Fish" award for awesome fiction!

~Deb said...

This was quite interesting. What the hell made you eat all those beans?????????? I'm dating a Latina girl who got me into eating beans, but I tell ya, my body still isn't used to it after 15 years!

I also remember as a kid growing up, I was SOOOOOOOOOOO afraid of the group KISS. Gene Simmons was the worse with that nasty tongue of his and those platform boots. He looked like the devil to me!

And I'm also afraid of the ocean after seeing a hammerhead shark underwater while snorkeling. I was only 12 yrs old. I'll never forget it.

Jeff B said...

Real LL- In the words of Bugs Bunny, "Ain't I a stinker?"

Nitebyrd- I have seen that show. Tim burton has always been one I've enjoyed. I might have to cue that up in the DVD player again now.

Deb- Make usre you read #7. I will explain that 1-6 were merely fiction. Just having some fun.

Ron said...

Holy TOTALLY got me!!!

I'm thinking...well, at least he's really hairy, so it probably covers up that extra nipple on his leg, thank god.

Damn you...#!*?@!?

AWESOME post, buddy...5 stars!


Matt-Man said...

Ha. Very good Jeff. You are a pretty good fiction teller. Okay, liar. ; ) Cheers Jeff!!

Desert Songbird said...

Fished in!!!!!

Rhea said...

Damnit, Jeff, you totally pulled a fast one. I had a comment completely typed out and then happened to glance at Crystal Chick's response and was like, what?! Had to go back and read #7. You crafty little SOB!!

Jay said...

LOL! You got me. I was thinking you had some really interesting stuff going on. Then I read #7 and found out your not all that interesting at all.

Uh .. wait... I mean, uh .. your not a freak! Yeah, that's it. haha ;-)

I got shook down by cops in Mexico, but it only cost me $50.

Jeff B said...

Ron- I had entirely too much fun writing this one. Lisa of course, did a lot of eye rolling as I broke out into sponteanous laughter.

Matt- I resemble that remark!

Songbird- Hook, line and sinker? I think I maight have caught a whole school this time around.

Rhea- Your words are too kind. I'm feeling the love.

Jay- Were you and Dana in Mexico at the same time? Sounds like a fifty is the going rate down there. Boy did I get ripped off!

Akelamalu said...


You had me going there!

Jules~ said...

You sneak! You totally had me! Giggle giggle. That was fun though.

Charlene said...

wanted to stop in and say hello and hope that your MIL is doing well

I enjoyed your post today

Bond said...

OK, you got me too....

I did wonder why the bathroom was only a hazmat site for one day though!

Knight said...

I have this problem where I can't read things in order. I tend to jump around the post until it's completed. I totally ruined the whole thing for myself by reading the last one first. If you did have a third nipple I would recommend you get it pierced.

Jeff B said...

Akelamalu- You know that only encourages me don't you?

Jules- I just had to steer away from the norm on this one. Glad you tagged me for it.

Charlene- Thanks for your concern. We should be getting word from Lisa's brother (her son) soon.

Bond- I guess that part could have been a bit more beleivable.

Knight- I wonder if they make knee rings? Thanks for coming by.

david mcmahon said...

Sir Jeffrey,

You are a prince among story-tellers.

Anonymous said...

Enjoyed the post, I always like reading random facts about people :)

Michelle said...

Thank god about the nipples, I thought maybe you were one of those born as your own twin and was wondering where the 4th nipple could possibly be??

Jeff B said...

David- Thanks my friend. Now where's my darn crown?

Kareer Woman- Thanks for coming by, but make sure you read #7 again.

Michele- Bwahahaha. Maybe I was seperated from myself at birth. Welcome aboard.

jennifer said...

um, OK, You bastard, SOB, liar and Byjeeper choker.

Jeez, don't you hate to come in AFTER the joke? A day late and a dollar short, that's me.

Be blessed Lying SOB Bastard Byjeeper choker.


Travis said...

HA! I was wondering why you'd never mentioned the older sister before now.

Nice job funny man!

And I love your mom's comment!

Jennifer H said...

You got me.

Here I'm thinking, "Really? With all the plastic surgery they do these days, they can't remove a nipple?? Of course, I also wanted to see a picture.

You'd be a great person to have around to tell stories around a campfire, at the beach, wearing shorts (of course, since you're cool with that, after all), eating chili.

Well done.

Jeff B said...

Jennifer- Awe, that's ok, at least you came by.

Travis- I think mom is now wondering if I might have been switched at birth with some other child.

Jennifer H- What a post to come by and beintroduced with. Glad I didn't scare you off. Hope to see you again.

Marilyn said...

I even went in knowing there was something screwy about it because you mentioned being called a bastard over it in a later post. You still got me.