Monday, November 19, 2007

How Does It Rate?

The family and I just went to see "Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium". It's a sort of Willy Wonka-esk flick that I found very entertaining. Lots of visual stimulation for the kids and a good story line to boot. As we walked up, I looked at the ticket booth and noticed the ratings on the various films and thought to myself, "Me thinks I have an idea."

Back on November 1, 1968 in a collaboration of the MPAA, NATO (no not that one) and the IFIDA a new voluntary rating system was launched which was to guide movie goers, specifically parents, as to the content of Hollywood's offerings.

The following were developed and with the exception of 'X' were trademarked for the use of film ratings only:
  • G for General audiences, all ages admitted
  • M for Mature audiences, parental guidance suggested but all ages admitted
  • R for Restricted, children under the age of 16 not to be admitted with out an accompanying parent or adult guardian (this was later raised to 17 years of age)
  • X no one under the age of 17 admitted

One year later the system was revised with M becoming GP and then shortly after being changed to PG.

In July of 1984 PG was split into PG and PG-13 with the later being considered to have a higher level of intensity.

In September 1990 explanations had to accompany a rating and the X rating was changed to NC-17.

For more about this please see Ratings where I obtained this information.

It's now been seventeen years since the last revision and I think the time has come to revisit the matter. I've taken the liberty to develop a new system that I hope will reflect the general population of movie enthusiasts everywhere.

Since it has become apparent that no film can possibly be made that does not in some way, shape or form offend someone, the G rating will no longer be used.

A slightly revised G-18 will now be in place. All ages will be admitted, but anyone over the age of eighteen will be encouraged to bring a child with them so as not to feel embarrassed by going to a kids movie alone.

A completely new category will be introduced. Labeled as A-NC, Animated No Children will be designed to accommodate all those cartoon productions that are dubbed as 'a child's movie' when in fact the humor and innuendos are merely there for the adults. All children attending these releases will be given a Game Boy and asked to wait in the lobby.

Other ratings to hit the chopping block will be PG and PG-13. It has been determined that so few parents are willing to guide their children's movie selections that these categories are simply obsolete. Replacing the PG's will be two new categories known as T&A and FT. These will be gender specific teen and older features.

T&A or Tits and Ass films will show unclothed anorexic sized women along with their store bought double D's. Collagen infused lips will be required of all leading "ladies". Story line, plot and writing will not be integral to the overall production of these films. In fact silent films may see a revival with this new category.

The other new entry will be FT. Fairy Tale will require all leading men to be drop dead gorgeous, college educated and independently wealthy. Supporting actors will have to be portrayed as having a job, a car and a high school diploma. Divorced men will only be allowed to be shown if they are writing an on time alimony and/or child support check.

The only rating to keep its current designation will be R, however the description will change from restricted to ridicules. Obscene language, flagrant nudity, and extreme violence will all be portrayed at excessive or 'ridicules' levels. Four letter 'colorful metaphors' will be present in all scenes with dialog. All actors, actresses, supporting cast, animals, stuntmen, key grip, best boy, gaffer...etc will have sex with someone or something during the picture at least once. Death and mutilation of multiple individuals will be shown in horrifyingly graphic detail.

NC-17 will change to WB. Why Bother will be reserved for any filmmakers complete and utter disregard to cinematic taste. Any resemblance of quality entertainment will be strictly prohibited.

Please enjoy your movie and remember to visit the concession stand.

13 comments:

katherine. said...

nicely done....in our home our favorite movie is where everyone thinks she is a bitch and he totally loves her anyway...

Mel said...

Gosh, it's been so long since we've actually gone to the theatre....

I really miss the popcorn.
*sigh*

Gene Bach said...

I think you missed one Jeff. How about FS...frigging stupid. I can think of several that would have warented that rating. I would say that upon the reception of 10 FS ratings the dirctor, writers and actors would all have to be shot.

Hey, maybe you could take up acting?

Desert Songbird said...

Excellent summarization of the movie-making business today.

Matt-Man said...

Animals having sex with gaffers? Where do I get my ticket!!? Cheers!!

Jeff B said...

Katherine- I think there's a word for that. Oh yeah it's CHUMP. No that's not it...got it, its WHIPPED. Not quite right yet, ah ha, its LOOOOOOSER!

Mel- If it's been that long a word to the wise, bring a credit app with you. If the ticket prices don't break you the concessions just might. Egads

Gene- Sounds like within a couple of years movies would cease to exist.

Songbird- I've walked through Hollywood Video (local chain) looking for something to watch and on more than one occasion walked out with nothing. Hundreds of new release titles that might as well have the same title "CRAP"

Matt- I could have bet my mortgage that you would have picked that part of the post to comment on.

kevin wecker said...

Is IGNMWAIFTAS* too long for the rating system?







*I'm Going No Matter What As I Find That Actor Stupendeous/Sexy!

Odat said...

You've really put a lot of thought into this, haven't you? I do like Kevin's rating tho! lol
Peace

Travis said...

Now those ratings I can follow.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Great post! I'm an A-NC junkie! Bring it on!

Anndi said...

I'm going to go and organize my dvds along those guidelines.. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Mel said...

Popping over to wish you a very joyous Thanksgiving Day, sir!

Gobble til ya Wobble! ;-)

Jeff B said...

Kevin- It's all good! When you say it all together it sounds like some sort of exotic cracker.

Odat- The things that bounce around in my noodle sometimes make myself wonder about myself.

Hey is that redundant or am I just repeating myself?

Travis- Thanks, It sounds simple enough to me. Think Hollywood will run with it?

Real L L- (said with a cheesy, inbread southern accent)..."Hey Marybob, comere an lookadis, we got us one a dem reel honest to goodness les-bee-anns on our puter screen! She's kinda cute ain't she."

Thanks for comming over and yeah I like all those A-NC ones too.

Anndi- I hadn't though of doing that. Looking forward to the feedback. Thanks for the visit.

Mel- and to you darling.