Saturday, January 5, 2008

It's Billy Craze Here



You know who I'm talking about don't you? He's the shorter, rounder, GI Joe looking guy in a light blue shirt screaming at you about every fifth commercial.

Have you heard about his latest product? I hear it's very popular in New York, Chicago and parts of Jersey. The pitch goes something like this:

Don't know how to get all that crime scene goo out of that nice new carpet? Your worries are over, because with my new cleaner your hit can be cleaned up faster than a Lindsey Lohan rehab stay.

Hi, Billy Craze here for Whack-Away, and if you're with the mob, this does the job.

With it's high potency bleach compounds it not only whitens your whites, but it destroys crucial DNA evidence in the process.

Watch as I take this blood pool and pour Whack-Away on it. Simply agitate then count.

Three . . . Two . . . One . . . and you're done! It's that easy.

What about brains and intestines you say?

Never fear, Whack-Away is here. Just drop those parts in the plastic tub provided and watch all your problems melt away. So why delay? Order today.

Don't be the only "family" in your borough without it.

Please have your unmarked bills ready and order your very own 50 gallon drum now.

But wait, be one of the next five Dons to call and I'll double your order. That's right. That's a whopping 100 gallons of Whack-Away for the same low price.

Not enough you say? . . . That's OK, because as an added bonus I'm going to include the Samurai Loan Shark at no additional up front cost to you. It's great for turning those small debts into completely unmanageable nightmares.

What else could there be? . . . Just you wait and see. I'll even include Sticky Putty Pauly and Joey the Hercules Hook. These two are great for fencing all sorts of merchandise, and the best part is they're disposable.

Why do the time yourself?

When the Feds are on your tail, let them go to jail.




We now return you to your regular scheduled program.

28 comments:

Amazing Gracie said...

HooHaaa! Absolutely hysterical...
You have quite the sense of humor, my friend. I bet family get-togethers are a real hoot!!!
***When this guy comes on the telly, I change channels - can't abide his high-pitched whiney voice!
~~~Blessings~~~

Dana said...

I was just saying that Pon Popeil must be on his death bed because Billy Mays is desperately trying to fill his shoes.

Matt-Man said...

I would chuckle harder but I seem to have a slight hangover. Go Figure. Cheers Jeff!!

Hammer said...

lol Billy Mays can sell anything!

Leighann said...

HAHAHA! That was hilarious!

Annie said...

He's a salesman doing a salesman's job and giving us all some moments of astonishment and humor in the process.

Jeff B said...

Gracie- Family get togethers are kind of like a field trip with the members of a nut farm. There's never a shortage of laughter for sure.

Dana- Big shoes indeed and it would seem that Mays has the feet for the job.

Matt- A hangover? Hs that ever happened before? Bwahahaha

Hammer- Ice cubes to Eskimos comes to mind.

Leighann- Billy Mays ranks as one of my top most irritating TV personalities of the year.

Annie- I'd hate to see him unleashed on the used car world.

What's amazing is reading about how successful his sales pitches are for the products he pushes. He definitely has his craft down.

DocMtCat said...

Jeff that was great... I was thinking just yesterday as I was watching coverage of New hampsire speaches that "Damn that guy sure tires to sell everything" LOL!

I must read more of you blog when I get some time later this afternoon.

-Shane (doc)

Mel said...

*chuckling*

Maybe I need to turn the television on more often?






.....nah...... ;-)

katherine. said...

Darren had to come up with this product didn't he? It's part of the sequel....

Jeff B said...

Doc- Thanks for dropping in.

Maybe Hillary could use him to sell her patform to the masses. For that matter any of the candidates could. Oh, the limricks that could come out.

Mel- Don't do it. Turn from the dark side.

Katherine- Guess I've been thinking a lot about 'family' lately. (snicker, snicker)

Linda said...

I am so glad I stopped by here after the comment you left on my blog as a good laugh is exactly what I needed! You need to make a YouTube video of this - guaranteed it'll be a hit - no pun intended!

Travis said...

LMAO! I love my NatGeo, History, and Discover channels...but I could do without that guy popping up every time I turn around.

I can't figure out why he thinks he has to yell all the time.

buffalodickdy said...

If infomercials ran longer than 20 minutes, they'd be selling the product to me for nothing! I'm a career salesman, but I can't do that sort of selling.. But if you want anything cheaply made in a Third World country from me- it's free! Only $99.99 for shipping and handling....

Desert Songbird said...

Twistin', Twistin', your mind is twistin' the night away...

Jeff B said...

Linda- Always glad to provide a bit of comedic relief.

Travis- He's one of the reasons I know exactly where the mute button is on the remote.

Buffalo- Good ole' S & H. It'll get you every time.

Songbird- Why do I feel like dancing all the sudden?

Roger said...

Hahaha I'll take three!

Odat said...

Hey! I live in NY!!! and I'm from NJ and resent the association!!!
So there! hehe.
Peace

david mcmahon said...

Enjoyed your humour - and the closing rhyme!!

barb michelen said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jeff B said...

Roger- Let's see, with shipping and handeling that will be $1,250.00. Sorry no C.O.D.

Odat- You don't have any uncles named Guido do you?

David- Thanks for visiting. Feel free to come by anytime.

SPAM- Comment deleted by yours truly. Not interested in spam, unless it's Matt-Man's specialty

Ron said...

Oh, my God...I don't have my TV connected to cable and in this city if you don't have cable...you literally get NO television.

Which is WHY I spend so much time on this damn computer!!!

I did find it incredably hysterical though!

(and kind of made me feel as though I needed to go WACK something!?!)

Tee-hee!

Roger said...

Sounds fair lol!

Jeff B said...

Ron- With your bathroom fetish and the need to whack something I'm a little aprehensive to ask, "What are you up to?"

Roger- I'll be sure to get it out in the mail to you.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Who wants to share a barrel with me? I have a nasty ex...

You're too funny!

Kerri said...

Oh My gosh....this is absolutely hilarious! And I needed a good laugh today!

Everytime he comes on....my hubby turns the channel....he is SO Annoying!

Jeff B said...

Real LL- There's a whole other angle for the marketing campaign.

Kerri- Gald to help restore the funny bone. You are so polite when you say annoying.

Jo said...

Thank you for sending me this link Jeff.... You are a riot. I hope your Mother is keeping notes on her two sons. If she ever wrote a book, it would definately be a best seller.....

I am adding your blog to my links. Your blogs are just like Lays Potato chips, you can't read just one.

Thanks again and have a great day.