It's Billy Craze Here

You know who I'm talking about don't you? He's the shorter, rounder, GI Joe looking guy in a light blue shirt screaming at you about every fifth commercial.

Have you heard about his latest product? I hear it's very popular in New York, Chicago and parts of Jersey. The pitch goes something like this:

Don't know how to get all that crime scene goo out of that nice new carpet? Your worries are over, because with my new cleaner your hit can be cleaned up faster than a Lindsey Lohan rehab stay.

Hi, Billy Craze here for Whack-Away, and if you're with the mob, this does the job.

With it's high potency bleach compounds it not only whitens your whites, but it destroys crucial DNA evidence in the process.

Watch as I take this blood pool and pour Whack-Away on it. Simply agitate then count.

Three . . . Two . . . One . . . and you're done! It's that easy.

What about brains and intestines you say?

Never fear, Whack-Away is here. Just drop those parts in the plastic tub provided and watch all your problems melt away. So why delay? Order today.

Don't be the only "family" in your borough without it.

Please have your unmarked bills ready and order your very own 50 gallon drum now.

But wait, be one of the next five Dons to call and I'll double your order. That's right. That's a whopping 100 gallons of Whack-Away for the same low price.

Not enough you say? . . . That's OK, because as an added bonus I'm going to include the Samurai Loan Shark at no additional up front cost to you. It's great for turning those small debts into completely unmanageable nightmares.

What else could there be? . . . Just you wait and see. I'll even include Sticky Putty Pauly and Joey the Hercules Hook. These two are great for fencing all sorts of merchandise, and the best part is they're disposable.

Why do the time yourself?

When the Feds are on your tail, let them go to jail.

We now return you to your regular scheduled program.