Tuesday, April 1, 2008

The List

Before anything else is said, Lisa and I want to say thank you for all of your thoughtful comments and words of encouragement from the last post. Things are great on the home front!

Now I know you have been wondering what the other things were on Lisa's list are so here we go...

1) He leaves his socks on the floor in the room where he takes them off.

Hello! Where else am I supposed to put them? And to think, all these years I was under the impression that the sock fairy picked them up in the middle of the night and whisked them off to the laundry room. Who'd a thunk it?

2) He loves to cook, but uses every pan in the house.

Guilty as charged! I believe this stems from my years of working in restaurants. I guess I got used to having a dishwasher available to clean up whatever I put in front of him. After I get done cooking a meal it generally looks like an explosion in a pillow factory.

3) Passes gas - should try "Beano".

Isn't it obvious a lady wrote this one down. Had a guy of written it, it'd say something like, "Farts like a trooper". I really don't see why this one is a problem, I mean my two boys think this is a God given talent that should be exercised as often as possible. I think she's still upset because I made the dog leave the room one day.

4) He doesn't clean the counters when he's finished in the kitchen.

This one simply is not true. Whenever I'm finished making a sandwich I make sure to brush the crumbs onto the floor.

5) He bugs you when he wants you to come up with this list!

You would think I would be smart enough to leave her alone if she only started out with about four things, but nooo. I had to go and say, "Is that all you can come up with?" What the hell was I thinking?

6) Gets into moods to get rid of everything we aren't using at the moment without thinking. Then a month later we need to re-purchase.

This is definitely an area where Lisa and I are worlds apart. I have what is commonly known as the three year rule. If something sits on a shelf or in a box untouched for more than three years, chances are pretty good we don't need it. It's next destination is either on a table at a yard sale or in a box heading for Goodwill. Case in point: We had a food dehydrator that was given to us as a wedding gift. Twelve years later it still sat in the box receiving only one sad attempt at sucking the life out of some poor unsuspecting fruit. When I put it in a yard sale you would have though I was getting rid of a priceless family heirloom. Ya, this is a tough one to find middle ground on.

7) He drinks out of containers in the fridge, i.e. juice, milk...etc.

Please see numbers 2 and 4. I am simple being proactive in my attempt to not leave a mess in the kitchen or a dirty glass on the counter. (You believe me don't you?)

8) He picks at his toenails - Yuk!

I have no defense for this one. Yes I do it and yes it's gross. It's a subconscious, nervous habit.

9) He leaves his clothes from the night before on the floor. They rarely make it to the laundry room.

OK, this is the second annoyance for her regarding my placement of clothing. I am making a mental note right now to walk my lazy butt the extra fifteen feet to the laundry room with the clothes. Either that or the sock fairy needs to get another helper late at night.

10) He sleeps in the buff and sheds all over the sheets.

This may well qualify for the "more information than we needed" category, but remember, you wanted to see the list. Yes I sleep with my bare nothings on. I can not stand to have any type of clothing on when I sleep, besides, what else would I be able to decorate the floor with. As for the shedding part, I am a fuzzy guy. Kind of like a cross between Robin Williams and Grizzly Adams. I really, really, really wish I wasn't, but I am. If there was one thing I could change about my physical appearance this would be it.

11) He torments the cats by making loud noises at them.

Now before you go calling the SPCA on me know that I am generally very loving and kind to my cats and dog, but once in a while when one of the cats comes sauntering by looking quite regal, I love to give them a big PISSSST!!! There is something about seeing a three foot vertical leap from a ten inch tall animal that hits my funny bone just right! Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

12) He mumbles when he is upset.

What! I do not mumble when I'm angry. I don't have any idea what she is talking about with this one. Give me a break, I've never mumbled a day in my life. I'm going to have to get some clarification on this. I'll show her mumbling dog gone it.

Well, there you have it. The big bad list in it's entirety. Now I'm sure one of you might leave a comment asking me to write a list of my irritations and annoyances about Lisa. Let me just say this to you, "There is not a snowball's chance in hell that I am going to do that!" I may be silly enough to ask my wife for a list of these things about myself, but I am wise enough to know that I typically go to bed before her and there are entirely too many ways for her to snuff me out as I peacefully lay in bed.


katherine. said...

two: as long as you wash every pan in the house it's okay...

five: you nagged her for the list???

ten: **Covering my eyes trying to purge the image from my brain**
(you could always wax ya know...)

eleven: good job...keep it up

I hearby nominate Lisa for sainthood...all in favor?

Jeni said...

ok, it's been 28 years (come June) since I have NO LONGER BEEN married but some of Lisa's items on the list did bring back some memories of what being married sometimes brings along for the ride. My ex flat out refused to place his dirt clothes in the hamper, even though I tried parking it by his side of the bed, with the lid up and it being wide open to receive his dirty duds and he would still dump them on the floor, right smack in front of the hamper because he felt it was "MY JOB" to pick them up and place them in there. The BEANO had not yet been invented when we were married but sales of that product to our household probably would have put their sales over the top! (My son could use that now too -must be genetic -or is it innate in ALL males, maybe?)
Cooking -only thing my ex ever cooked (other than occasionally doing some grilling in the summertime) was ham and cheese omelets and home fries for Sunday morning breakfast for the family. To this day, all three of my kids have good vibes about ham and cheese omelets though and that's a good thing, isn't it?
Great post though Gene. You took a risk there but survived quite nicely I think.

Dana said...

Oh Jeff ... If I didn't know better I'd say you were my husband!

With only a few exceptions (3, 5, 6 and 12) every one of these would have made my list.

What is it with the toenail picking?? My husband went from biting his nails to picking his toenails - I'm waiting for him to start biting his toenails!

buffalodickdy said...

What I read is that she's bitching 'cause you're a guy... I do all that stuff(except the farts- me and my lads are world-class belchers!)and then some...

Matt-Man said...

Wow Jeff. You are a slob. But the throwing away of things? Bless You. Cheers!!

Mel said...

*covering eyes with one hand and raising the other in agreement with katherine*


Oy geeze.....



Nicole P said...

Hey, I don't think these are so bad in the grand scheme of life. I think these are just flaws associated with the Y chromosome and just can't be helped. My husband does a lot of the same things.
I guess it could have been a lot worse like:
1 He gets drunk every weekend
2. He beats me and the children
3. He can't hold a job
and stuff like that.

Odat said...

If that's all she came up with, I'd say she's a very lucky person!
My hub did all that too! Must be a guy thing.
I'm with Katherine on the waxing!
Try it! hehe.


CrystalChick said...

Not too bad a list at all really!!
The gas thing, uh, the last time we went to a chinese buffet, my tummy was rumbling all night but his... well, he was just able to let loose at will and get it all out. LOL It's a guy thing.
My hub loves him a good infomercial. We've got swivel sweepers that don't work, handy dandy chopper thingies I never use, and lately he's been very curious about the foot pads that suck out toxins.
And if a Harriet Carter or like product catalog comes in the mail I know he's sitting in his 'reading room' trying to figure out what gadget to order. LOL
Maybe I should have him get you and wifey a mini fuzz buster for the night stand. Hahahaha

nitebyrd said...

Jeff, you're such a GUY! LOL All in all, that's not so bad a list.

Waxing could get rid of the hair and if you let Lisa do it, I'll bet she'll forgo all the stuff on the list. ;)

Akelamalu said...

MWM is guilty of #3 #10 and #12 - I guess it's a man thing! :(

Leighann said...

I had to read and re-read this list.... I thought it was about MY husband! To a *T*!!

The only exception is that we don't have cats, so he sneaks up behind the kids and yells "BAM!" at them!

R.E.H. said...

Seeing how you respond to some of her complaints... I'm thinking you might do good to sleep lightly for a while anyway ;)

Seriously... those aren't too bad complaints after all.

Rhea said...

This post is priceless! I'm picturing a hairy-naked man farting so badly the dog leaves the room and hissing to scare the cat so badly it jumps three feet. LOVE it!

You need a LAUNDRY BASKET in your room. Therefore you don't need to walk to the laundry room and you can still enjoy dumping your clothes...problem solved!

I need a picture of the kitchen after your cooking, please.

Jeff B said...

Katherine- Waxing=Pain, and lots of it. I'm thing maybe a full body dip in Nair?

Jeni- OK, you called me Gene. That's just plain mean! hehehe

Dana- I never have done the biting my nails thing, but the picking bit would be nice to stop.

Buffalo- In her defense, I'm the one who asked for the list. Pretty much guy realted stuff hit the list though.

Matt- I resemble that remark! I think it sounds worse on paper than it actually is though.

Nicole- I was alright with the list over all. Thank God those three won't be on her list ever.

Odat- Have you ever seen the preview for the movie "Forty Year Okd Virgin"? If that is what waxing is like, I'd rather shove bamboo under my finger nails.

Crystalchick- It sounds like if your husband and my wife got together they would have quite the shopping frenzy.

Nitebyrd- I fit right into that stereotype male role sometimes.

Akelamalu- I think we guys are more alike than we are different.

Leighann- What kind of verticle leap do they have?

REH- She's full blodded Italian too. There's something about an uncle named Guido from the old world that always keeps me on the edge as well. bwahahaha

Jeff B said...

Rhea- Sorry to have implanted that mental image there for you. I'll get a photo the next time. (of the cooking, not the hairy, naked, farting man)

Rhea said...

Jeff, my husband is a hairy, naked, farting man also, so that image isn't necessarily bad. lol

My husband seems to use an unordinary amount of soap when he showers...and he tells me this is because he is so hairy. What do you say?

Can't wait for that kitchen picture!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Thanks for sharing. I'm convinced that I have the perfect husband. I have none of these complaints. In fact...I don't have any complaints. Tell Lisa thanks. Have a great day Jeff. :)

Bond said...

see, I can do # 1 and #9 now that i live alone...laundry basket? we don' need no stinkin' laundry basket

#2 means you are creative in the kitchen...keep it up

#3 is a guy thing..so not try and explain it to Lisa

#4 if you cook, someone else should clean...sorry - that has always been the rule with me

#5 ARE YOU NUCKIN' FUTS? You bugged her? Dude, we gotta talk

#6 I am a hoarder...will skip this one

#7 The only problem here, is you let her catch you doing it dude

#8 umm yuk

#10 - also sleep in the nude...NOT hairy...do NOT wax...did you see the 40 Year Old Virgin...that s**t hurts

#11. hehehehehehehehehe sorry but bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaa

#12 sometimes mumbling is a good thing - keeps you out of more trouble...

and thank goodness you realize that doing a list on Lisa would cause us all to have to send flowers and miss reading your blog when you do missing...LOL

Desert Songbird said...

At least she didn't write, "Doesn't wash hands after going to the bathroom."

*whistling and avoiding eye contact with hubby*

kevin wecker said...

This is what I don't get.... Does she want you to leave your clothes on the floor or shed in the bed?

However let me point out other places one might leave things:

A chair.
A desk.
A counter.
The bed.
A lamp.
The TV (now that it's not being used!).

These items are wonderful places for clothes, as there is no need to bend all the way over to the floor later.

Secondly, did you use the "children need some responsibility and this is a perfect chore for them - sorting laundry!" defense with Lisa?

If you haven't, please don't. For it didn't work with M.

San said...

Jeff, you and my husband should start throwing out each other's stuff and leave your mitts off mine and Lisa's!!!

Ron said...

Ok Jeff, I'm sorry, but I'm here to defend you....

You're a brilliantly funny man...so all of these annoyances should just naturally be overlooked.

So, there!

Maybe #3) passes gas - is a "guy thing"...I too have been known to "toot" my own horn. It feels quite nice, doesn't it? It's like a breath of fresh air!!!

And #11 - made me laugh so hard, I "tooted." I'm a cat LOVER, but I still think that's HYSTERICAL!!

#10)- maybe you could get one of those little dust-busters and just vacuum your side of the bed in the morning. You're a man, for god's sake...not a Ken doll! And listen to Bond...DO NOT wax...I saw the 40 year old virgin!

I'd have to agree with Odat, Lisa's a very lucky person. You're a good and honest man...and that out beats any "toenail picking!"

And as always, buddy....a GREAT post!

Jeff B said...

Rhea- I say clean hair is happy hair. I've never really thought about how much soap I use. I would just be happy he uses it.

Sandee- Are you sure you're really married? Nothing?? Good for you.

Bond- Asking her to come up with a longer list was not one of my brighter moments!

Songbird- Nope, not on this list, nor is putting the seat down. Mom drilled that one in to us boys growing up.

Kevin- Now look at all the places I can leave my clothes. hehehe

San- Hi my name's San, I a packrat aholic...Hi San.


Ron- Thanks for standing in my corner. A breath of fresh air though? what the heck are you eating. And waxing is just not going to happen to this carpet covered body. Yeoooouch!!!

The Teamster said...

hey jeff....i'm somewhat methodical...so I'll do my best to keep it short....and i'm an optimist...so...I've got your back..

1. at least you don't hide them under her side of the bed.

2. she should be happy you cook....most men don't...

3. you need to control that...try the "silent but deadly" game and blame the dog...or better...blame her....

4. wiping the crumbs on the floor is perfect....the counter's clean...

5. "bug" it's called communication....

6. I have a 1 year...5 dollar rule...it I haven't used it in a year and it's worth less than a 5 spot...it's garbage...maybe adopt a more stringent rule and the the 3 year plan will be more appreciated.

7. There's no backwash is there?...you're conserving valuable resources...

8. At least you don't bite your toenails....man oh man...the more I type...the more i firmly believe she's lucky to have you...

9. same as number 1...at least it's not under her side of the bed...you could possibly put up one of those basketball hoop laundry baskets and practice jump shots from the bed.

10. wax...it's not that bad...

11. they're cats....they're evil and will get back at you...be very careful..dogs love us no matter what we do to them...I don't trust cats..

12. an alternative is to do what us "Serbs" do...say nothing.....

I think she's lucky to have you Jeff...

p.s..this is only advise for you..as for me...I do none of those things on your list..I'm much better trained....but you should stand tough.

Travis said...

You are a wise man not to reciprocate this list writing business. You should get extra credit against the clothes on the floor thing.

Jeff B said...

Teamster- I can just hear my defense now, "But honey, The Teamster said..."

On #7 I guess I'm a real conservationalist. By not using a glass I'm saving water because nothing has to get washed. By not using water I'm saving the planet from impending doom. Hell, I think I should get the Nobel Prize for this one.

Travis- The banana bit was bad enough. A list would signal the next Cold War.

Leighann said...

Leighann- What kind of verticle leap do they have?

They used to come close to pissing themselves, but now they're so used to it that they just roll their eyes at him and say "Da-ad!"

Jules~ said...

#6 I tend to be the one to throw out stuff if it hasn't been used in like 6 months. Then yes sometimes it needs to be re-purchased. It is hard because I live with 3 pack-rats.

#5 Dude! Matthew 7:7

indicaspecies said...

Haha..so funny!

Using every pan in the house..one of my brothers did that so his wife preferred him not to cook anymore, which is just what he wanted in the first place anyway.

I found 3 & 4 particularly hilarious!

Jeff B said...

Leighann- Hey, that sounds like my house!

Jules- Ha...Ask, Seek, Knock.
very good!

Indicaspecies- Thanks for dropping by, and honestly that wasn't my plan. Sssssh