Monday, April 14, 2008

What a Crappy Job

A buddy of mine told me about a guy who truly understood the fine art of getting even. Thought you might enjoy it.

It seems that there was a gentleman by the name of Vladamir who was a drywall installer by trade. He (Val) was hired by a rather well to do businessman to hang several sheets of drywall in his home. After hanging the rock he would mud and tape all the joints and then spray the walls and ceiling with the appropriate texture.

Having been in the business for many years, this was a pretty straight forward job for Val and he would typically complete a job of this size in about a week. As it would turn out, there was nothing typical about this particular job though.

From the minute Val showed up with the materials on day one, the owner decided to make his life a living hell. This pompous ass lived in a ritzy part of Portland and wanted everyone around him to know just how "Important" he was. Apparently he had made a ton of money during the Dot-Com craze and was one of those stereotypical "New money" types.

Nothing Val or his helpers did would please this guy. They didn't unload the materials from the correct spot. They got drywall dust on his driveway. They didn't listen to the right kind of music. They didn't put an exorbitant amount of screws in the drywall...etc. No matter what they did, this guy would find something to complain about.

It really started getting bad when it came time for Val to collect part of the money. The original agreement was that Val would be paid half of the money when all the drywall had been hung, (This is a common practice on larger jobs) Through a long series of arguments the owner finally paid 1/3, not the 1/2 that was agreed to. Words like "I don't trust you" and "I think you're overcharging me" were his excuse. As you can imagine Val was outraged. He hadn't changed the price that was agreed to prior to beginning the job and as far as trust was concerned, that just didn't make sense. The job was going according to schedule and outside of the jerk owner's ridiculous demands Val was performing as he had promised.

Everything seemed to be going south on the project now, but Val was in to far to just walk away. What he had been paid would only cover the materials and part of his crew's labor. He decided to stick it out and continue with the job. After completing the mud and tape portion of the job, Val went to the owner and requested the remaining money that was owed to him. Again he got some but not all of what it should have been.

The next day, Mr Jerkwad told Val that he expected the job to be completed by the end of the day and he would be holding an additional amount out of the final payment until he had a friend of his come over and inspect the work, sometime the following week. I won't repeat what Val said, but you can probably guess it wasn't pretty. This latest stall tactic was never part of the original agreement and it was now being sprung on him on the last day.

Val had had enough. He wasn't sure if he'd ever see the rest of his money from this unreasonable deadbeat, and he wasn't interested in taking anymore crap from him either. I'm pretty sure this is where the light bulb went on over Val's head.

He told the guy the job would be finished when he returned from work that afternoon and what he did after that could only be described as brilliant. Remember when I said Val wasn't going to take any more crap? Well...he decided is was time to give some instead.

After mixing the texture to the correct consistency he unzipped his jeans and let them drop on the living room floor. He then proceeded to use the bucket as his own five gallon commode. I can only imagine that this was one of the most satisfying dumps he had ever taken in his life. Upon completion of his bowel unloading, he put his pants back on, grabbed the mixer and blended in the previous night's dinner into the texture. He then took great care to spray the feces laden texture all over the walls and ceiling of the guys million dollar home!

He obviously got a call from a very distressed customer that evening, wondering what the hell had happened in his living room and why it smelled so rank. Val said, "We were wondering about that too. Maybe you have a dead animal in the crawl space?" Apparently the guy never figured it out and eventually Val did get most of the money that was due to him.

So if you think you've had some crappy work done by a contractor, maybe you hired Val and didn't know it.


Dana said...

Well, based on my Sunday Secret yesterday, you *know* I enjoyed this story!

jennifer said...

It's a shame Mr. Jerkwad didn't think of this first. He could raised the property value of his home.....since he obviously sh*ts gold bricks!

Funny story!


Mel said...

Reminder to self: Never, ever piss off the drywallers.

buffalodickdy said...

Hanging drywall is a hard enough job, without somebody who doesn't understand that bugging you while you're doing it...

CrystalChick said...

Sooo funny. My hubby is in construction and he's been a bit upset with a few psychotic homeowners at times but ya know, if he ever tried that there would be a nanny cam capturing it all. LOL

I think one time a couple of bored kids working in the paint department of a local store peed in some paint we got for our bathroom. It had a strange smell on and off for awhile and that's what we wondered. But hey, it was for the bathroom, you gotta pee in there anyway right?? So it was like getting a free scented candle with purchase.

Kimmie said...

Funny and a bit ummm...gross at the same time! Ick! The problem with people today is they are to darn busy trying to get work done for nothing that they forget about the guy who has to feed his family. That guy got what was coming to him. My take on when someone does work on your home...unless you see a big problem...silence is golden.

leelee said...

lol..and GROSS!...but sometimes Karma is a bee-otch..sounds like the guy got exactly what he deserved.

I like how you tell a story Jeff.


nitebyrd said...

Val is my kind of guy! Pure genius.

Matt-Man said...

I wanna party with Val. He's my kinda guy. Cheers Jeff!!

Leighann said...

That was fantastic!!

Bond said...

Did Val leave the windows open so the flies could all gather on the newly sprayed walls?

I wanna buy Val a drink...

Nicely told Jeff.

Rhea said...

Oh, this rivals the shrimp in the curtain rods story. Nice.

I think the moral of this story is something we all learned in kindergarten. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Mr. Jerkwad may have earned a ton of money but he lost the basic respect we need owe every human being. Sheesh!

Way to go, Val! I'm all for getting even when the time calls for it. hehe

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

All I can say is good for Val. Bwahahahahahaha. I was wondering what took him so long. Love it. Have a great day Jeff. :)

Nicole P said...

oh man, that is sooo nasty!!
But it sounds like something my husband would do.

Ron said...

Oh....SHIT, Jeff!

This is freaking hyterical!!!


Please tell your friend Val, that I think he's got the most BRILLIANT mind of any human being I've ever met...and that I SALUTE him in his sweet revenge!!

Bravo, Val!

GREAT post, buddy!

Jeff B said...

Dana- Not quite as subtle as your trick, but just as effective.

Jennifer- Kind of like the golden goose eh?

Mel- Else yu'll be pissed to speak.

Buffalo-It is a thankless job.

Crystalchick- I love your attitude about the "scented candle". If they did do that I'll bet they laughed their behinds off.

Kimmie- I do a lot of work in people's homes and I always appreciate the ones that will let me go about getting the job done.

LeeLee- That karma probably kept giving for a couple of weeks.

Nitebyrd- Why get mad when you can get even!

Matt- Just be careful of the drinks he might serve up.

Leighann- I enjoyed hearing it too.

Bond- That would have been a nice touch.

Rhea- I've never heard the shrimp story, but can imagine its a winner too.

Sandee- He had more patience than I would have.

Nicole- Your husbanc, Val and I would get along just fine.

Ron- I actually don't know the man personally. Just heard the story from a friend who does. He might be worth looking up though.

Roger said...

I drywalled for a while it sucks, my foreman told me your doing a good job when your blood spurts clean across the board. He was a great guy to work for.

Travis said...


I guess if anyone deserved that, this guy did.

Jeff B said...

Roger- That guy sounds like a real motivater.

Travis- Quite nasty, but much deserved.

Marilyn said...

Oh man, I've had customers just like that. I've been known to walk away from the job and lose money but I've never had the kind of satisfaction this gentleman enjoyed.

Lady in red said...

Jeff does this ring any bells with you?

Most of you know I am a contractor. Painting houses, installing drywall, and applying specialty concrete coatings is what I do for a living. Yada, yada, yada.