Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Banana Ramma

Perhaps the title of this post should be, “My Wife is Going Bananas”.

I’d be willing to bet that after reading that first line, the majority of you are wondering what on earth did I do this time to make Lisa nuts. Surely that could be a whole story in itself, but that’s not what I’m referring to this time.

No, today I want to examine why my darling bride has decided to take it upon herself to single handedly ensure the banana farmers of the world are secure in their profession. Not once in the nearly twenty-one years since our first date (and maybe even earlier) has anyone in the banana belt worried. “I wonder if we’re going to sell enough of our crop this year to make ends meet?”

OK, it’s time for the mathematics portion of this post. I’ll wait for a minute while you gather up your calculator, ten key, or abacas or, if you prefer, the removal of your shoes for extra digits to count . . . . . . Everybody ready? Good. We are each (Lisa and I) forty-two years old. We’ve been married for close to sixteen years and dated for another five years before that. For the slow ones that means we’ve been together for twenty-one years, or exactly half of our lives. (Betcha didn’t know this was going to be a learning experience too.)

So let’s see what we have so far, 21 years of blissful togetherness with 52 weeks in each one, which gives us a running total of…anybody…Bueller…PING! We have a winner. 1092 weeks. All right, pens down, time for a break.

Each week and every week that I can remember Lisa goes to the store and feels compelled to purchase yet another bunch of bananas. There is no choice in the matter; she must do this because the previous week’s victims have now turned into a brownish-black, semi recognizable, fruit fly encouraging specimen resting on our kitchen counter.

Not all of the ones purchased make it to this final resting place, where only a pietri-dish and microscope would be of any real use. Some of them actually do get consumed during the course of their seven-day stay on death row. “DEAD BANANA WALKING” On average however, in the neighborhood of 2-4 of these doomed cylindrical fruits remain just where they were a mere seven days prior. Right there in the kitchen, on the counter, next to the apples in sort of their own private little gas chamber. (FYI apples naturally give off a gas that accelerates the ripening of other fruits in close proximity) This seems particularly effective with bananas.

OK, recess is over. Time for some more math, and this is where it gets tricky. We’ve already established that there have been approximately 1092 weeks of our “togetherness”. Let’s use the conservative number of three, which represents the amount of bananas that have met their untimely demise on a weekly basis.

I offer the following equation: 1092 (glorious weeks) times 3 (dead, rotting bananas per week) for a grand total of… 3276 (poor, petrified, potassium packages)

But wait, “I’ll make banana bread with them,” she says. Great! Do you know how many stinking loaves of bread that is? No math required here; TOO MANY is the answer! Come to think of it, had I of saved all of those loaves; I could have mortared them together like bricks and added a significant amount of square footage to our house by now. What was I thinking?

This is not to say that her baking skills are lacking in any way. Quite the contrary, she is an excellent cook, but after the 200th loaf I figured I’d eaten ten lifetimes worth of banana bread.

What I’m waiting for now is a letter from the Ecuadorian government, thanking Lisa for her years of financial support for their country as well as many other neighboring jurisdictions. That or a note from some farmer in perhaps Costa Rica, showing his gratitude for her continual influx of dollars into his coffers, enabling three generations of his family to be able to purchase houses, all thanks to her banana bucks.

All in all though, I suppose if she has to have a habit, a three banana a week habit is far better that some of the other choices out there. Just one last question, “Does anybody know where BA meets?”


jennifer said...

Jeff, this isn't for you.

Lisa, Honey, is he always like this? I can't believe that this blogger-guy that seems so mild mannered would pick on you this way. I UNDERSTAND. Bananas are a part of the "I'm getting healthy TODAY" list of foods. And if today turns out not to be the day, and they get brown so quick ......then the decision is made to start being healthier next week and I, I mean YOU, have to buy another bunch. It's okay, *pat on shoulder* if yucky bananas is all that Jeff can fuss about you for, you must be near about perfect!

(my hubby fusses at me for buying lettuce and not eating it. All that lettuce represents diets that I did not start.)

OK, Jeff, this is for you; your wife sounds delightful and I find nothing strange about her behavior. Maybe she just likes to have a full fruit bowl, in case she want to create a quick still life painting. For pete's sake, give her some artisitc freedom!


Anna said...

Oh my, I think I am going bananas now, lol. This is funny story Jeff, thanks for sharing, Anna :)

Roger said...

Ya what Anna said jeeeez!

Mel said...

Yup....guaranteed three in this house, too.

*going to get the calculator*

Gonna see if I can circumvent the problem before we head into year six!
LOL Whadda the odds of THAT?

Ohhhhhh.....I'm Chiquita Banana, and I've come to say
Bananas have to ripen in a certain way.
And when they are flecked with brown
and have a golden hue,
Bananas taste the best, and are the best for you......

Everybody SING!

Matt-Man said...

You guys need to move to Guatemala. She'd like it there. Cheers!!

CrystalChick said...

BA meets at my place.... 4 or 5 days after grocery shopping. We're armed with fruit fly swatters and recipes of things we wanted to make but just didn't have time because we were too busy taking care of the house and the kids and the friends and the family and the neighbors and our men.
We usually end up talking about stuff that our ever-lovin' sweeties do over and over again like socks in the living room and the toilet seat being left up. LOL
HEY... I think I've got some chocolate left from those strawberries, it's time to dip another fruit. Have you ever had a frozen choco nanner??? It's da bomb! Better go get some sticks. :)

buffalodickdy said...

You're going "Bananas" buddy.... I have been married over 34 years, and all the bananas my wife wants- she can have! It's cheaper than a divorce or a murder trial....I'll trade you banana bread for the expired coupons my wife clips every sunday out of the press anyday!

Dana said...

Actually, I thing counting bananas is ... well ... BANANAS!

Leighann said...

Jeff you are hysterical!

Bananas don't stand a chance in my house either, however it's because of the fact that my kids devour them like starving lunatics!

the teach said...

Oh com'on Jeff you can't fool me with that hilarious story of buying bananas, rotting bananas, thousands of bananas, and the ecuadorian government... you're the one whose driving your wife bananas! She told me! :D

Sherry said...

After I read your fist line I was thinking you were going to get your ass kicked!!! LOL

nitebyrd said...

Jeff, you are indeed a lucky man that your wife's habit is only bananas. Fall on your knees and thank the Gods that she doesn't have or ever gets the dreaded - SHOE & PURSE HABIT!

There is no known cure for the S&P Habit. No drug, no rehab, NOTHING!

Jeff B said...

Jennifer- Lisa is going to absolutely love your comment. And yes, for the record, I am always like that. I never looked at the "quick still life painting" possibility...it all makes sense now. Bwahahaha

Anna- Just monkeying around.

Roger- What I said to Anna.

Mel- Ah yes, the song. Haven't heard that for a while. Thanks

Matt- Si, gracias me amigo.

Crystalchick- My mom trained my brothers and I from the beginning not to leave the seat up. The socks decorating the floor on the other hand, or should I say foot, is another thing.

Buffalo- Hey bring the coupons over, you can decopage(sp?) my banana bread, brick room.

Dana- I resemble that remark!

Leighann- Send them over, there's bound to be some extra here.

Teach- You're absolutely right about that. Just gotta be me though. (snicker snicker)

Sherry- Funny, that's pretty much the reaction Lisa had when she read this story.

Nitebyrd- I just said a prayer of thanksgiving. The shoe and purse thing has always been a source of wonder for me. Fortunately that evil desease seems to have slipped past Lisa.

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Bwahahahahahahaha. Now I think Lisa is just fine, but I'm really worried about you Jeff. Why in the world would these little potassium packages draw so much interest from you? Just asking. Bwahahahahahah. Tell Lisa I'm sorry that she has to put up with you. Bwahahahahahaha. Have a great day the both of you and thanks for the multiple laughs. :)

kevin wecker said...

I bleive there is now a town in Ecuador named after Lisa, where the children laugh and play, while the people of that village dance every night after picking the bunches of bananas!


As for the loaves you'll set aside, remember there are others who are willing to step in - all for the sake of keeping those in that village of Lisa, Ecuador, happy!

Desert Songbird said...

You are "ripe" with blog fodder, my friend.

Bwahahahahaha! BTW - maybe it's her contribution to helping the third world farmers.

Jeff B said...

Sandee- Lisa has taken great joy in reading all the comments showing support for her. Ya bunch of traitors! (laughing)

Kevin- What a happy little town indeed.

Songbird- Punderful comment. She is such a giver isn't she?

Bond said...

Simple solution...you eat 3-4 a week, only buy that many...I always break off from the bunch only what i need...

but if she did that, you would not have something with which to brilliantly entertain us

Marilyn said...

I think the solution is for you to spend the next three months doing the grocery shopping, kitchen cleaning, and cooking... You might then learn not to worry too much about a couple of bananas. Everytime I throw out something I forgot about and went rotten my darling husband says, "that was the food we didn't pay for?"

Something about the Y chromosome makes it difficult to put things into perspective. I understand that it isn't your fault, but it's nothing a little scrubbing of the kitchen floor won't solve. :)

Mimi Lenox said...

Oh Lord. This is one of the funniest things I ever read. ."Right there in the kitchen, on the counter, next to the apples in sort of their own private little gas chamber."

I actually feel sorry for the bananas.

Jeff B said...

Bond- One day while shopping with her, I walked over tothe bananas and said, "Honey, watch this." I proceeded to break off a couple from the bunch and continued, "Look, no banana police have come and arrested me. It's legal to buy only what we will consume in a week."

I can't recall what she said and it's probably better that way, but I'm quite sure I got "the look".

Marilyn- Me thinks I might have touched a nerve! Bwahahaha

I do tell her how much I love her and appreciate all that she does, but probably not nearly enough.

Mimi- Poor little things. They come into our home looking so bright and delicious. They have no idea what's in store for them.

Jackie said...

Jeff: Don't worry, save the bananas the kids and I will be out soon. If not freeze the bread!

Lisa: Sure glad no one was counting when the bananas got rotten at my house, just a little older and more stinking bananas I'm sure.

katherine. said...

(I was afraid you were gonna make us guess how many...)

oh geez. really? THIS is what bothers you?

you....who have a predominantly female readership...you are gonna complain about your wife buying a couple extra bananas each week?

Now...each time you even look at the brown bananas she will be able to quote one of these comments....

I think Lisa ought to do a guest post about all the little quirkinesses YOU have going on...maybe Thursday Thirteen...for a month or two...

Travis said...


Uhm...I didn't know that about apples.

Real Live Lesbian said...

I'll be forwarding an address for you to send that extra banana bread to!

The banana empire is secure knowing that Lisa is alive and well! Hopefully, she's a breeder and passing down the banana commitment.

Anndi said...

Does she know what hangs out in banana trees?

That's right... TARANTULAS!

What if she brought one home?

DAY-O.. me say DAY-AY-AY-O...

Daylight come and me wanna go home...

I have a really good chocolate chip banana muffin recipe BTW....

Ron said...

You freaking CRACK ME UP, JEFF!!

Damm...this is hysterical!!!

I swear...MY father use to say this SAME THING about my mother!! I kid you NOT! When we were kids, I always remember a plethora of banana's in the kitchen.

What's up with THAT???

And they ALL looked extacly like the photo you have in this post!!!

AWESOME post, buddy! Thanks for a wonderful laugh!!

P.S. I LOVE banana bread!

Annie said...

Lisa, buy some Peanut Butter Company chocolate peanut butter and serve it with the bananas. Everyone in your family will eat the bananas and you'll wonder if you need to start buying more.

Jeff B said...

Jackie- I'm looking forward to your visit. We'll be sure to have a snack ready for you when you get here. (wink, wink)

Katherine- You don't think Lisa could get all my quirkinesses exposed in only two months do you?

Travis- If you want to ripen a pear faster you can put it a closed paper bag with an apple or two. Just make sure they aren't touching each other or you'll have brown spots where they do.

Real LL- I'll have to put it in a plain brown wrapper so the FedEx guy doesn't intercept it and eat it.

Anndi- No worries about the tarantulas. My baby is a spider killing machine!

Please email me the recipe. Lord knows i'll have the key ingredient on hand. Bwhahahaha

Ron- That is an actual untouched photo. The same one can be reproduced on any given week.

Annie- "Start buying more"???
ARRRGH!!! Oh the humanity!!!

Odat said...

Hmmm...i do the same thing....
(running away now).....

Nicole P said...

I am 30 comments behind so I have nothing to add that has not already been said except for that this is hysterical.
And I agree with earlier commenter that you should be glad this 48 cents a pound bananas are the only real problem that your wife has.
Seriously, talk to my husband about all the stuff that I am addicted to. The conversation could go on for hours.
Have a great day Jeff and thanks for stopping by my blog.

Jeff B said...

Odat- If you're going to run please take a couple of bananas with you!

Nicole- I'm glad she isn't addicted to blogging. We would have to arm wrestle for the computer.